The BEST Musician Jokes in the World-PAGE 1

Top 10 Drummer Mysteries(Submitted by JayCorre-SoFla) #10 The Stick Bag Metamorphosis Having spent half an hour in the music store selecting the perfect pair of sticks, rolling, tapping and weighing them, you pull them out at the gig that night to find that one of them suddenly feels like a #2 pencil, while the other feels like a softball bat. #9 The Inverse/Pay Ratio of Gigs The gig on which you can play exactly the kind of music you want (to an adoring crowd) and on which you find yourself accomplishing things on your instrument that would mystify Buddy Rich, pays $20 (which you will receive in your mailbox three months later). The gig on which you play utterly boring music, work with inept musicians, drop a stick every twelve bars, and perform to a crowd that apparently hates every note, pays $300 (in cash, in advance). #8 The Mysterious Cymbal Bag Transformation The $400 cymbal that you test in the music store sounds like a choir of angels. You excitedly rush it home and put it in your cymbal bag. That night at the gig, you take it out and begin playing it, only to find that it has been mysteriously transformed into a piece of Kryptonite that clashes with all other instruments in all keys. #7 The Suddenly Obsolete Equipment Part At the exact moment a piece of equipment breaks, replacement parts disappear from every music store in existence. At the same time, the piece is discontinued by the manufacturer. Attempting to find a substitute part at a hardware store, you are informed that the threads on the piece are incompatible with every known thread configuration in the history of machining. (This only happens if you use a common brand of equipment. If you are using a 1961 Trixon set, you will find an abundance of parts at any 7-11 store. #6 The "Evidence That There Is Evil In The Universe" Bass Drum Pedal Your trusty pedal works flawlessly through hundreds of hours of merciless stomping. Then one night, an agent who is able to get a million dollar record contract for your band comes in to hear you play your super-funk-fuzoid original tune. At the exact moment the bass player begins the incredibly syncopated figure you spent two months rehearsing and perfecting together, the pedal spring breaks. #5 Multiple Vaporizing Drumkeys The five drum keys in your stick bag, the two on the floor tom tuning lugs, and the one on your key chain simultaneously vanish, as you sit down to play for a crowd of ten thousand people and find that your snare drum batter head is split down the middle. (If you play a set with slotted tuners, all screwdrivers and coins will also vanish). #4 The Equipment Schlepping/Weather Syndrome You get a call for a gig with a high-powered rock band. You load your 10-piece, 26-ply rock 'n' roll kit (the one with the seventy-pound bass drum and forty-five pound triple-braced cymbal stands) into the car and drive to the gig. There, you are informed by a security guard that you must park in the employee parking lot (which is a mile away), drag your equipment to the building, and go up six flights of outside stairs because the elevator is broken. As soon as you receive this news, the worst thunderstorm in recent history begins. Conversely, you get a call to do an hour of background music at a **tail party. You bring a snare drum and a pair of brushes. Upon arriving at the gig, you find that you are able to pull your car up to a door that opens directly onto the bandstand. The weather is perfect. #3 The Famous Drummer/Unknown Drummer Sitting In Syndrome A world-famous drummer, who has recorded several hundred albums, been on the cover of Time Magazine, and authored two dozen books, comes into the club and is invited to sit in. As you cower nervously in the corner, he gets behind the drums and picks up the sticks. He then proceeds to play too loud, and with unutterably bad taste, while dragging the tempo down to half of what it originally was. After one tune, the band politely ushers him off the stage. Conversely, an unknown drummer walks in the club and asks to sit in. His claim to fame is two months on the road in 1958 with the Claude Kochanowski Polka Band. You graciously allow him to play, assuring the other band members that you will return after one short tune. You leave the bandstand with a knowing smile on your face. Then your smile disappears as the drummer proceeds to play things that would send Vinnie Colaiuta back to the woodshed. The band urges him to play the rest of the night as you sit in the corner mentally calculating how you're going to pay this month's bills now that you are out of a gig. #2 The Wrong Drumkit Phenomenon You show up at a gig with your new $10,000 hand-made African teakwood-finished drumkit. You find that the gig is outside, next to a swimming pool. Kids are in the pool, throwing tidal waves of water on your set. Their parents are dancing directly in front of your drums, stepping on your front bass drum hoop and leaving black rubber heel marks all over the front head. It is 110 outside, and pits are already beginning to form on the drums' chrome from the sweat pouring off of you. A waiter, carrying a tray of food, slips in a puddle of water and dumps guacamole all over your tom-toms. The bartender, who is right next to you, accidentally knocks the lid off the blender while mixing a batch of Brandy Alexanders, plastering your beautiful wood-finished shells with sticky brown goop. Since you had to disassemble that kit to clean it up, you have to make the next gig with your spare kit-the thirty year old no-name kit with the missing bottom heads, peeling chrome, and bubbled pearl finish-that you bought at a garage sale for $25. A smiling bellboy helps you remove the drums from your car and carries them piece by piece into a large ballroom, where you will set them up on an eight foot riser under a twenty-foot wide bank of dazzling white stage lights. Steve Gadd will be sitting in, and the gig will be televised. And the #1 drumming mystery (drum roll please)..... #1 The Incredible Leaping Drumstick** At the precise moment in your drum solo when you have brought your press roll down to a whisper-quiet level at which it sounds like a piece of tearing silk, and you could hear a pin drop because everybody has stopped talking and every eye in the room is trained on your hands, one of your sticks suddenly........ Well, you know the rest.
Jazz Haikus *Haiku: [n] an epigrammatic Japanese verse form of three short lines.* Jam session bassist Observes fourteen soloists Contemplates murder Say, do you guys know "Wedding Song" by Kenny G? Buy the damn record Riffing on "Rudolph" Musicians in red and green Learn humility I'm sending a sub But don't worry, he'll be fine He's fresh from rehab Solo pianist Freed from all constraints of form Heedlessly mangles Jazz nymphs crowd bandstand Offering carnal delights My alarm clock rings Double-timing bone Sounds like somebody chewing On a rubber band Forty-two straight gigs With no requests for "Take Five" Time to call Guinness Free jazz temptation Strikes during the bride's first dance What Would Wynton Do? New Years revelers Here's hoping the stroke of twelve Sends you the hell home Checking out women High stages and low necklines Great combination A new world's record Four choruses on "A Train" My band hates me now That plate of hors d'oeuvres Cost more than we're getting paid Think we underbid? Break time is over Rest of band is returning Now for that phone call Rock drummer, lounge keys Classically trained singer Welcome to sub hell God bless trust fund gigs Only have to eat ramen For a few more weeks
ACTUAL INSTRUCTIONS TO THE ORCHESTRA FROM PROFESSIONAL CONDUCTORS (IN REHEARSAL). Please don't use the depth-charge pizzicato. Pianissimo doesn't mean to drop the fuck out. Listen to the tune, and then accompany it in a non-disgraceful fashion. Let's see if you can pizzicato together in a non-banjo-like way. It's very hard to raise money for something that sounds like this does. Imagine you're getting enough money for what you do. Not so bright. It sounds like "Orpheus in His Underwear." Play short, especially if you don't know where you are. That was a drive-by viola solo. Horns, imagine that you've had a really ugly breakfast and it's about to come up. There is a lot of fishing for notes. I wish you would catch them. Strings, I know what you're thinking: "With all this racket going on, why am I playing?" Well, there's no time for existential questions right now. This must be much more agitated. Think of someone you hate. Think of your mother-in-law. The place where you will be shot if you come in early is the bar before 26. Now forget all the nasty things I said and play naturally. You're all wondering what speed it's going to go. Well, so am I. Play as if you were musicians.(Submitted by Jay Corre-SoFla)
Last night at rehearsal the oboe player, who constantly sucks on her reed during rests and between selections, inadvertently inhaled and swallowed her reed. I immediately called the emergency room and asked what I should do. Without hesitation the nurse said: "Use a muted trumpet instead."
What do you call a Taliban who plays tenor sax? "Afghanistan Getz"(Submitted by D.Castellano-SoFla)
GOLDEN RULES FOR ENSEMBLE PLAYING Everyone should play the same piece. Stop at every repeat sign and discuss in detail whether to take the repeat or not. The audience will love it. If you play a wrong note give a nasty look to one of your partners. Keep your fingering chart handy. You can always catch up to the others. Carefully tune your instrument before playing. That way you can play out of tune all night with a clear conscience. Take your time turning pages. The right note at the wrong time is a wrong note (and vice-versa). If everyone gets lost except you follow those who get lost. Strive to get the maximum NPS (notes per second). That way you gain the admiration of the incompetent. Markings for slurs, dynamics and ornaments should not be observed. They are only there to embellish the score. If a passage is difficult, slow down. If it's easy, speed up. Everything will work itself out in the end. If you are completely lost, stop everyone and say, "I think we should tune up." Happy are those who have not perfect pitch for the kingdom of music is theirs. If the ensemble has to stop because of you, explain in detail why you got lost. Everyone will be interested. A true interpretation is realized when there remains not one note of the original. When everyone else has finished playing, you should not play any notes you have left. A wrong note played timidly is a wrong note. A wrong note played with authority is an interpretation.
Violinist Isaac Stern died yesterday(9-23-01) at age 81. Years ago, someone told me how Stern was hired by a wealthy NYC dowager to bring a quartette to her party. When the musicians arrived at the front door they were met by the butler who requested that they go around to the back door and remain in the kitchen until it was time to play. When the dowager came in to summon them to play she said, "I would appreciate it if you would return to the kitchen during the intermission and not mingle with the guests." To which Stern replied, "If I had known we didn't have to mingle with your guests, I would have charged half the price."(Mike Terry-SoFla)
Top Ten Facts of Life for Playing in Clubs and Restaurants ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Unless you are in a concert situation, most of the people are not there to hear you. Your music is incidental. People go to restaurants and bars to eat, to drink, to socialize, do business, or maybe to be alone in a crowd. So if you reach some of them and entertain them, you've done a hell of a job. In most restaurants, your main objective is to try to entertain without bothering anybody. Any volume is too loud for someone. The talent of anyone who wants to sit in is inversely proportional to how insistent he or his friends are about his sitting in. The most talented musician that you would really like to play with will be sitting there quietly and will have left his axe in the car. The crowd would rather hear a terrible rendition of "Sweet Caroline" than the tastiest arrangement of one of your originals that they've never heard before. The customer who asked for "Sweet Caroline", his favorite song, won't realize you're playing it until you actually reach the word "Sweet". Someone in the crowd will have halfway heard you play "Sweet Caroline" and it will remind him of the song so he'll request it right after you've just played it. Unless you want to marry her and be the one who takes her home every night, don't hitch your star to a girl singer. Every black horn player who wants to sit in "used to play with James Brown or Brother Ray." .....And the number one fact of life in playing in clubs and restaurants: Your slowest night, with the most obnoxious crowd and the worst response, is immeasurably better than the best day you ever had at a day job!!!
NEW RULES FOR BANDS IN THE 21st CENTURY: (R.S.Ft.Lauderdale)
Never start a trio with a married couple. Your manager's not helping you. Fire him/her. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary. No one cares who you've opened for. A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important". If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time to break up. When you talk on stage you are never funny. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music ("Oh does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?") Asking a crowd 'how they're doing' is just amplified small talk. Don't do it. Don't say your video's being played if it's only on the Austin Music Network. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and "a guaranteed 3 record deal". When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go. Never name a song after your band. Never name your band after a song. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY. Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do you're already a loser. Learn to recognize scary word pairings: "rock opera", "white rapper", "blues jam", "swing band", "open mike", etc. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both. Listen, either break it to your parents or we will; it's rock 'n' roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows. It's not a "showcase". It's a gig that doesn't pay. No one cares that you have a web site. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet. Don't hire a publicist. Playing in San Marcos & Alpine doesn't mean you're on tour. Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't join a cover band. Although they come in different styles and colors, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs? Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what girlfriends/boyfriends are for. If you use a smoke machine your music sucks. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas. Remember, if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them? If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or when it will turn up. Cut your hair, but do not shave your head. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow. Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat. Rock oxymorons; "major label interest", "demo deal"," blues genius", "$500 guarantee", and "Fastball's second hit". 3 things that are never coming back: a) gongs, b) headbands, and c) playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.
Accidentals are wrong notes played on purpose. I met a viola player the other day who said that, contrary to popular belief, members of his select instrumental fraternity can play 64th notes, and to prove it, he played one for me. (Submitted by Billy Bugle-Swansea,Wales,UK)
Q: What is the definition of "perfect pitch."? A: When you throw an accordion into a dumpster and it lands on a banjo.(Submitted by JayCorre)
On a jingle date in NY, a hot shot alto guy from the west coast was playing VERY sharp. The other alto player sitting next to him, leaned over&said "They're showing MORE cork this year." (Submitted by M.Shain)
The bandleader had a drummer who dragged(duh). After remonstrating with him without success the bandleader had to fire him. The drummer was so distraught that he went down to the railway station and threw himself behind a train.(MelCagen-Balt)	(TrueStory) After the gig, the band is at the bar. Some guy comes up to order and says to the bartender : "Give the musicians something to drink from me, and the drummer too".(Jan Geerts-Belg)
Q: How can you tell the trombone player's kid on the playground? A: He can't swing and doesn't know how to use the slide.(Mike Lossau-Alton, Il)	Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner? A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Q: How many clarinet players does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Only one, but they'll go through the whole bloody box till they find one they like-(Jeni Morley-UK)	Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard? A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.
Q: What has three legs and an asshole? A: A drum stool.	"Welcome to heaven, here's your harp and your tuning key." "Welcome to hell, here's your harp."
Q: What's the difference between a moose and the (You add the name) Big Band? A: On a moose the horns are in front and the asshole's in back.	General Custer and his aide were in the fort. The aide said, "General, I don't like the sound of those drums."From over the hill you hear a voice yell, "He's not our regular drummer."
Q: What's the difference between a Tenor sax player and a macaw? A: One is loud, obnoxious and noisy, and the other is a bird.	Q: What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs? A: "Year-at-a-glance"
Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone? A: On or off.	Q: What's the difference between a lawnmower and a tenor sax? A: Lawnmowers sound better in small ensembles.
Q: What's the range of the french horn? A: 30 feet if you get a good grip.	Q: What is another term for trombone? A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.
Q: What's the difference between a baritone sax and a vacuum cleaner? A: The vibrato.	Q: What do pirates and trumpet players have in common? A: They are both murder on the high C's.
Two tuba players are walking past a bar...Well, it could happen!	Q: What do all great conductors have in common? A: They're all dead.
Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend.	Q: Did you hear about the guitar player who was in tune? A: Neither did I.
Q: What do you throw a drowning guitar player? A: His Amp.	Q: What's the difference between a cello and a coffin? A: A coffin has the corpse inside.
Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a piranha? A: Lipstick.	Q: What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer? A: The sack.
Q: How many female singers does it take to sing "Crazy"? A: Apparently, all of them.	Q: How do you put a twinkle in a female singer's eye? A: Shine a light in her right ear.
Q: What would Jerry Garcia be doing, if he were alive today? A: Knocking on the lid of his coffin.	Q: How can you tell when a female singer is at the front door? A: She can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.
Q: How do you get two guitar players to play in counterpoint? A: Have them read off the same part.	Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five. one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how Phil Woods would have done it.

CALL RON - 561-635-5623 or 561-745-4946
This Site Best Viewed In 1024x768 With any of these


HOME	TOP	PAGE 2

CALL RON - 561-635-5623 or 561-745-4946