The BEST Musician Jokes in the World-PAGE 10

H O M E
BAND WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
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Jobbing	LIES

hese are some of the best of the musician jokes out there on the web. Most of them aren't meant to be insulting, in fact you can change the gender or instrument on almost all of the jokes, and they will retain their humor. Some of the jokes are a little "inside" if you're not a musician. If you have some fresh ones, please e-mail them to me. I'll give you credit.

string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.
detaché: an indication that the trombones are to play with their slides removed.
glissando: a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
subito piano: indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.
risoluto: indicates to orchestras that they are to stubbornly maintain the correct tempo no matter what the conductor tries to do.
senza sordino: a term used to remind the player that he forgot to put his mute on a few measures back.
preparatory beat: a threat made to singers, i.e., sing, or else....
crescendo: a reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.
conductor: a musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.
clef: something to jump from before the viola solo.
transposition: the act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos.
vibrato: used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
half step: the pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.
coloratura soprano: a singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.
chromatic scale: an instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.
bar line: a gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.
ad libitum: a premiere.
beat: what music students do to each other with their instruments. The down beat is performed on top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.
cadence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.
diatonic: low-calorie Schweppes.
lamentoso: with handkerchiefs.
virtuoso: a musician with very high morals. (I know one)
music: a complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.
oboe: an ill wind that nobody blows good.
tenor: two hours before a nooner.
diminished fifth: an empty bottle of Jack Daniels.
perfect fifth: a full bottle of Jack Daniels.
ritard: there's one in every family.
relative major: an uncle in the Marine Corps.
relative minor: a girlfriend.
big band: when the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.
pianissimo: "refill this beer bottle".
repeat: what you do until they just expel you.
treble: women ain't nothin' but.
bass: the things you run around in softball.
portamento: a foreign country you've always wanted to see.
conductor: the man who punches your ticket to Birmingham.
arpeggio: "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
tempo: good choice for a used car.
A 440: the highway that runs around Nashville.
transpositions: men who wear dresses.
An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece.
cut time: parole.
when everyone else is playing twice as fast as you are.
order of sharps: what a wimp gets at the bar.
passing tone: frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues.
middle C: the only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low.
perfect pitch: the smooth coating on a freshly paved road.
tuba: a compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"
cadenza: that ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes.
The heroine in Monteverdi's opera Frottola.
whole note: what's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year.
clef: what you try never to fall off of.
bass clef: where you wind up if you do fall off.
altos: not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes".
minor third: your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling.
melodic minor: loretta Lynn's singing dad.
12-tone scale: the thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with.
quarter tone: what most standard pickups can haul.
sonata: what you get from a bad cold or hay fever.
clarinet: name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo.
cello: the proper way to answer the phone.
bassoon: typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when.
a bedpost with a bad case of gas.
french horn: your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.
cymbal: what they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with.
bossa nova: the car your foreman drives.
time signature: what you need from your boss if you forget to clock in.
first inversion: grandpa's battle group at Normandy.
staccato: how you did all the ceilings in your mobile home.
major scale: what you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! That was a major scale!"
aeolian mode: how you like Mama's cherry pie.
bach chorale: the place behind the barn where you keep the horses.
plague: a collective noun, as in "a plague of conductors."
audition: the act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.
accidentals: wronng notes.
augmented fifth: a 36-ounce bottle.
broken consort: when someone in the ensemble has to leave to go to the bathroom.
cantus firmus: the part you get when you can play only four notes.
chansons de geste: dirty songs.
clausula: Mrs. Santa Claus.
crotchet: a tritone with a bent prong.like knitting, but faster.
ducita: a lot of mallards.
embouchure the way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn.
estampie: what they put on letters in Quebec.
garglefinklein: a tiny recorder played by neums.
hocket: the thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett.
interval: how long it takes to find the right note. There are three kinds:
Major interval: a long time.
Minor interval: a few bars.
Inverted interval: when you have to go back a bar and try again.
intonation: singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle Ages.
isorhythmic motet: when half of the ensemble got a different edition from the other half.
minnesinger: a boy soprano.
musica ficta: when you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.
neums: renaissance midgets.
neumatic melishma: a bronchial disorder caused by hockets.
ordo: the hero in Tolkien's Lord of the Rings.
rota: an early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts.
trotto: an early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge.
lauda: the difference between shawms and krummhorns.
sancta: Clausula's husband.
lasso: the 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale.
di lasso: popular with Italian cowboys.
quaver: beginning viol class.
rackett: capped reeds class.
ritornello: a Verdi opera.
sine proprietate: cussing in church.
supertonic: Schweppes.
trope: a malevolent neum.
tutti: a lot of sackbuts.
stops: something Bach didn't have on his organ.
agnus dei: a famous female church composer.
metronome: a city-dwelling dwarf.
allegro: leg fertilizer.
recitative: a disease that Monteverdi had.
transsectional: an alto who moves to the soprano section.

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Maestro (to Horns): "Give us the F in tune!"
Violist (to Maestro): "Please can we have the F-in' tune, too?"
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When asked by the Pope (I forget which one) what the Catholic Church could do for music, Igor Stravinsky is reputed to have answered without hesitation: "Give us back castrati!"
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Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: "We make the best violins in Italy." The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: "We make the best violins in the world." Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: "We make the best violins on the block."

-The Sideman's By-Laws (A Guide to the Outside)-

Never recommend anyone who plays better than you.
Always suck up. (Leaders, bartenders, bride and/or groom, management, etc.)
If you don't know it, play harmony.
Double book, then choose.
Always assume the leader knows nothing.
Always degrade types of music you can't play or know nothing about.
Always bring your own business cards and solicit during breaks.
Never play requests (especially if you know it).
Never smile.
Always complain.
Save all high notes for warming up before and after engagement.
Never show up sooner than 30 seconds before an engagement.(One minute if you have equipment to set up.)
Never leave a book in order. Whenever possible, write on music in ink.
Always play Trane or Parker licks during fox trots, tangos, waltzes, or anything in D minor.
Always open spit valves over music.
If the leader is not sure of a tune, always use substitute changes over his vocals or solos.
Always worship dead jazz greats.
Be negative about anything connected with the job.
Always bring drinks back to the band stand.
When a break is over, always disappear. If this is not possible, make a phone call.
If you're backing up an act, talk when not playing. If it's a comic, don't laugh.
Always bum a ride.
Always wait until someone else is buying before you get thirsty.
Never bring your own cigarettes to an engagement.
Avoid tipping at all cost (waitresses, coat room, valet, etc.).
Always ask, "When does the band eat", or "Where's our table"?
Remember, it's not your gig. Mingle with guests and enjoy yourself.

Dictionary of Musicological Absurdities
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a-b-a form: a musical convention long preferred by composers who can't "C."
adagio fromaggio: to play in a slow and cheesy manner.
a la regretto: tempo assigned to a performance by the conductor AFTER it is panned by the local music critics.
al capone: performing while standing on a neutered rooster.
al dente con tableau: in opera, chew the scenery.
allegro con brillo: the fastest way to wash pots and pans.
anDante: A musical composition that is Infernally slow.
Angus Dei: a divine, beefy tone.
antiphonal: referring to the prohibition of cell phones in the concert hall.
a patella: unaccompanied knee-slapping.
appologgiatura: an ornament you regret after playing it.
approximatura: a series of notes played by a performer and not intended by the composer, especially when disguised with an air of "I meant to do that."
approximento: a musical entrance that is somewhat close to the correct pitch.
baffoon: baboon with bassoon.
barbie dolce: sweet but plastic.
bar line: what musicians form after a concert.
bass lure: a seductive refrain.
basso continuo: the act of game fishing after the legal season has ended.
basso profundo: an opera about deep sea fishing.
basso refundo: the sad but predictable consequence of the ill-fated "Three Basses" concert tour.
brake drum: The instrument most used to slow the tempo in an orchestra.
bull horn: a brass instrument that plays notes you wouldn't believe.
cacophany: composition incorporating many people with chest colds.
carmina banana: a medieval musical plantain.
concerto con carne: a piece for single instrument played in a "chili" manner.
concerto grosso: a really BAD performance.
contrababoon: the simian assistant of a Latin American revolutionary organ grinder.
Coral Symphony: (see: Beethoven -- Caribbean period).
cornetti trombosis: disastrous entanglement of brass instruments that can occur when musicians are not careful exiting the stage.
crashendo: the increasing sense of aggravation felt by band members as those trumpet players keep dropping their mutes on the hard stage floor.
d.c. al capone: you betta go back to the beginning, capiche?
dill piccolo: a wind instrument that plays only sour notes.
diminderwindo: fading of daylight at dusk, as seen from indoors.
diminuendo: the process of quieting a rumor in the orchestra pit.
eardrum: a teeny, tiny tympani.
etude brute: an early form of Roman music performed with a rapid, sharp, repetitive beat.
fermantra: a note that is held over and over and over and...
fermatahorn: an Alpine wind instrument used for playing long notes.
fermoota: a rest of indefinite length and dubious value.
fiddler crabs: grumpy string players.
flute flies: gnat-like bugs that bother musicians playing out-of-doors.
fog horn: a brass instrument that plays when the conductor's intentions are not clear.
fortississippi: with mighty, flowing strength.
frugalhorn: a sensible, inexpensive brass instrument.
fruitti tutti: a chorus singing together in an exaggerated, overripe manner.
Gaul blatter: a French horn player.
good conductor: A person who can give an electrifying performance.
grace note: the I.O.U. you deposit in the church collection plate when you're out of cash.
gregorian champ: monk who can hold a note the longest.
ground brass: when someone in the marching band drops a sousaphone.
ground hog: someone who takes control of the repeated bass line and won't let others play it.
Herbert von Carryon: a conductor who never rides in the cargo hold.
hyperportamento: a tone that soars, bends, strains until it pierces into another dimension and leaves, ever after, a porthole to heaven.
kvetchendo: gradually getting ANNOYINGLY louder.
maestrousseau: at the pace of a wedding march.
mallade: a romantic song that's pretty awful.
matterhorn: an intrument of cosmic influence designed to create something out of nothing.
molto bolto: head straight for the ending, but don't make it seemed rushed.
mucho caffinato: play loudly enough to wake up those sleeping in the audience.
oeuferture: musical composition commissioned by the National Egg Marketing Council.
oraToro: a lawn mower may be substituted for the original instrumentation at this point.
opera buffa: musical stage production at a nudists'camp.
pastorale: beverage to drink in the country when listening to Beethoven with a member of the clergy.
phollyphonic: badly arranged harmonizations.
pianorama: instrument capable of broad, sweeping musical performances.
pipe smoker: an extremely virtuosic organist.
pizzacato: the act of removing anchovies from an Italian dish with short, quick motions and tossing them to a nearby awaiting feline friend.
Placebo Domingo: faux tenor.
pollyphonic: orchestra made up of lots of parrots.
poochini: When singing, to be accompanied by your dog.
Pre-Classical Conservatism: school of thought which fostered the idea, "if it ain't baroque, don't fix it".
prelude: a cue, found in some of the earlier oratorios, instructing those singing the roles of the wicked to pray in an offensive or profane manner.
presto chango: quickly going from a very fast to a very slow tempo.
pseudo-dolce: Nutrasweet.
(The) Rights of Strings: manifesto of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Bowed Instruments.
rooti tooti: use of a potato as a trumpet mute.
rubato: cross between rhubarb and a tomato.
schmaltzando: a sudden burst of music from the Guy Lombardo band.
snacktus: Quiet, contemplative music played during the appetizer at Catholic wedding receptions.
Sosaphone: a cylindrical wooden instrument used to play smash hits.
spinet: politician's order.
spritzicato: plucking of a stringed instrument to produce a bright, bubbly sound, usually accompanied by sparkling water with lemon (wine optional).
status cymbal: an instrument to be played at inaugurations and socialite balls.
Tempe Arizona: a hot passage.
tempo tantrum: what a young orchestra is having when it's not keeping time with the conductor.
timpani alley: a row of kettledrums. Term originated in New York City area.
tincanabulation: the annoying or irritating sounds made by an unmusical person using extremely cheap bells. From Poe's "The Bells" and "tin cans".
toileto: the effect on the human voice of reverberation in small rooms with ceramic tiles.
trouble clef: any clef one can't read, e.g., the alto clef for pianists.
suvioso: a gradual buildup to a fiery conclusion.
woodwind: a noise in the game of golf, made by a club missing the ball on a tee shot.

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