Lies in the Music Business

• Bandleader to band - "Guys this is going to be a freebie...but, it's a huge venue!! Just think of all the exposure and new gigs that'll come out of it!!"(Dan Turner-Atlanta,GA)
• Bandleader to a potential customer: "Don't worry about the neighbors, we have special speakers that won't let the sound travel over water".(R.White-PompanoBch,FL)
• Band leader to 10 piece band: "We got a tip last night, it was $100." (Leader didn't know that the client told the band it was $500.)(Mrit Friner-PompanoBch,FL)
• "We don't have a gig this weekend but nobody does.There are no jobs in the business this week". (Papuoolu Elemeh-BocaRaton, FL) 
• On a Sunday night gig. "I just got a call from the C.I.A. They want us to play for the President tomorrow night. Are you guys available?" (Chuck Mangione actually did the gig)(Actual Quote) (D. White-PompanoBch, FL) 
• Club Manager to leader, "It's raining, the club will be slow, so take the night off!" (JoeMal-DelrayBch,FL)
• I never drink at a gig. (P Channing-Stuart, FL) 
• That's the last song, unless somebody wants one more... (P Channing-Stuart, FL) 
• My only concern is your welfare. (Billy Boy-North Yukon, Alaska) 
• We are sorry, boys. We didn't sell enough beer to pay you tonight. (Tom Martin-Elmira, OR) 
• This just actually happened. I started a gig at a very high class restaurant in SoFla. I played my first chord and my hair stood up on end. It was the most out-of-tune piano I'd EVER tried to play. I told the manager and she said, "We get it tuned every six months."(Ron-SoFla)
• Yeah, I have arrangements for all my vocals.(Jeff Stockham- Syracuse, NY)
• It's OK, we'll just be playing standards.(Jeff Stockham- Syracuse, NY)
• Club owner to pianist who complained about the condition of the piano, "What do you mean, the piano is in great shape. We just had it painted yesterday!"(Clint Hopson- Tustin, CA)
• Club owner: "If you'll do this New Year's eve dance for -$125-per man, then I can guarantee you regular work throughout the year."( 'jazzbluescat' M.Grubb-Spring Lake, NC)
• If you'll just do these first two charts on spec, we'll be sure you get extra bread when we do the album(Philip Kelly-Bellingham WA)
• We can get rid of that ground loop with a gate when we mix(Philip Kelly-Bellingham WA)
• Of course, we'll need a day or so to get the drum sound together(Philip Kelly-Bellingham WA)
• "I don't know the tune, but just start it and I'll catch on"(Jack Wilkie-PortCharlotte, FL)
• "I mistakenly booked a double gig today, so, can I just plug into YOUR gear so I don't have to lug in any of MY gear?"(Debra L. Massey)
• Don't worry boys...I've been a club owner for over 25 years & I've never screwed anybody......if you don't believe me,ask my wife (club owner in Ohio)(D.J. McIntosh-Galena, MO)
• "Why should I pay you guys scale when I can get 3 kids from Eastman to come down here and play for 20 bucks and a plate of spaghetti?" --Holiday Inn manager, Rochester NY (actual quote!)(Jeff Stockham-Syracuse)
• "I know your swing group has turned sunday night into a real money maker for us, but my cousin, who's an accordion player, has a band, and I want to give him a chance in that slot." --Marriott Inn manager, Rochester NY (actual quote)(Jeff Stockham-Syracuse)
• You sounded great, man, every note you played was better than the next!(Jeff Stockham-Syracuse)
• Rico regular reeds, by the box, are the best. I find that I can use all the reeds in the box over a period of 2 years.(Gary H.-SanDiego)
• No, we don't know that song, but we'll play another that has all the same notes.(Bernie Fox-Schenectdy,NY)
• Let me ground the generator to the barb wire fence. That will take care of the buzz in the amps.(Ken Washburn-Denver,CO)
• You'll get paid at the end of the week on Sunday after the gig. (Jim Teister-Chicago)
• Clubowner: When I hired you for 4 hours, I meant play for 4 hours ..No breaks! (Jaynie Trudell-MyrtleBeach,SC)
• It's an EASY load-in! No stairs, elevators or kitchens! (Arthur Hoffman-Dallas,TX)
• You were fantastic - the only one in the band playing in tune.(Billy the Bugle-Swansea,Wales,UK)
• It's a prestige gig.(Pat Smith-CA)

• (Phone call day of gig)"Yes, trust me, it's a great piano. There's a guy tuning it right now. He used to work for Steinway. Don't worry about it!" (Chris Z-Northport, NY)
• Our chick singer? Yeah, she's a little chunky- but she has a pretty face!(JayMichaels-Chicago)
• I will be careful with your equipment! I was a roady with______band, I just need some money for food!(D.Lacy-PalmBch,FL)
• Hey man, I know I'm playing lead, but could you play the last four bars for me? (M.Farrow-FL)
• I had a conductor once tell me, "I'm not up here to beat time."(Lab Machine-A.Davis,MO)
• Most guitar players can read music. (OzzChik)
• Actually, playing your synth in the direct sunlight is good. It dries out the sludge that accumulates on your breadboard and connectors. (L.Jascon-Detroit)
• I'll be around when the gig's over to help you move your gear. (ron)
• The new owner said he's going to keep the same format - there won't be ANY changes in the band!  (M.Williams-Philly)
• "Hey Mike, the new owner said it's not important, but if you could let his girlfriend sing he'd appreciate it. He says she's a professional with a lot of experience. "(M.Williams-Philly)
• "Tips! Tips! I've seen piano players walk out of here with 4-500$ a night!" (ron)
• He's just gone into a meeting, but he'll call you right back. (RandySinger)
• Don't worry about  getting a keyboard player for New Years, man, there are always a bunch of cancellations just before the 31st. (L.Jascom)
• Well man, my chops feel like crap! I don't have time to practice! Hey you want to try out horns and mouthpieces? (TomR.)
• The most exciting part of the Kenny G concert was when he held that note for 5 minutes. (MelodyR-Phoenix)
• Yes, I have a transpose button on my keyboard, but I never use it. (ron)
• " I'm a jazz singer" - What do you want to sing?-  "Either CRAZY or EVERGREEN in E"
• The IRS doesn't pay attention to professional musicians. (JamesR.-Oakland)
• Personally, I love to play in a bucket(mute).
• I saw him blow -Eddie Daniels- away in a jam session last year.
• I know the arranger wrote -pp- on the chart, but he didn't mean for us to play it that way.
• "I'm a Latin Musician."  "What do you want to play?" "Tea for Two, Never on Sunday, and Spanish Eyes."
• The place was packed.
• All the equipment will be set up for you and tuned. (Mark R.-Orlando,FL)
• Remember-EVERY part is important! (Tabby-TabbyCat-B.-Jackson-MO)
• Yeah, I know an accordionist who plays really good country and Western - lemme get you his phone number. (Richard Naujoks-SanAntonio)
• We got eight polka bands north of here, and any one of them can play "The Girl from Ipanema!" (Richard Naujoks-SanAntonio)
• I know lot's of drummers who can play with sequencers. (ron)
• Hi this is D--S----, I have called you a lot in the past, and I have a lot of stuff coming up I can use you on. By the way are you booked yet for NewYears"? (P.Ayick-FL)
• Yes, I played lead alto sax in the Woody Herman Big Band. (Milt-SanPedro)
• I can play perfect bass with ANY keyboard player by watching his left hand. (ron)
• This gig will be great exposure for you,. even though it doesn't pay much. (RonFinn-NorthPalmBeach)
• It's our standard contract, so don't worry about that clause,  it doesn't affect you. (RandyS.)
• Advertising doesn't pay, kids these days like to discover bands at street level. (RandyS.)
• I'm a lead player. I don't play 3rd trumpet.
• Technically, Eric Clapton is the greatest guitar player in the world.
• I'm a lead trumpet player, but I always pass the parts.
• Don't worry, it's a wedding. You won't need to play much rock. (DennyS.)
• I wonder what setup President Clinton uses to get that great Grover Washington sound?
• I want a younger look. (TomR.)
• I want an older look.
• You'll be able to unload your gear less than 20 ft. from where you're playing. (DennyS-Atlanta)
• There are no stairs. (DennyS.)
• Any good guitar player can play bass. (ron)
• (the club owner when splitting the door with the band)"No, only about 75 people came through the door tonight." (Mike Lossau-Alton, Il)