The BEST Musician Jokes in the World-PAGE 2

hese are some of the best of the musician jokes out there on the web. Most of them aren't meant to be insulting, in fact you can change the gender or instrument on almost all of the jokes, and they will retain their humor. Some of the jokes are a little "inside" if you're not a musician. If you have some fresh ones, please e-mail them to me. I'll give you credit .

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd Like To Introduce the Members of Tonight's Band. (Submitted by Sol Eskenazi-SoFla) • On piano____________. But first a few words about pianists in general, they are intellectuals and know-it-alls. They studied theory, harmony and composition in college. Most are riddled with self-doubt. They are usually bald. They should have big hands, but often don't. They were social rejects as adolescents. They go home after the gig and play with toy soldiers. Pianists have a special love-hate relationship with singers. If you talk to the piano player during a break, he will condescend. • On bass we have _____________. Bassists are not terribly smart. The best bassists come to terms with their limitations by playing simple lines and rarely soloing. During the better musical moments, a bassist will pull his strings hard and grunt like an animal. Bass players are built big, with paws for hands, and they are always bent over awkwardly. If you talk to the bassist during a break, you will not be able to tell whether or not he's listening. • On drums____________. Drummers are radical. Specific personalities vary, but are always extreme. A drummer might be the funniest person in the world, or the most psychotic, or the smelliest. Drummers are uneasy because of the many jokes about them, most of which stem from the fact that they aren't really musicians. Pianists are particularly successful at making drummers feel bad. Most drummers are highly excitable; when excited, they play louder. If you decide to talk to the drummer during a break, always be careful not to sneak up on him. • On saxophone______________. Saxophonists think they are the most important players on stage. Consequently, they are temperamental and territorial. They think they know all the Coltrane and Bird licks but have their own sound, a mixture of Coltrane and Bird. They take exceptionally long solos, which reach a peak half way through and then just don't stop. They practice quietly but audibly while other people are trying to play. They are obsessed. Saxophonists sleep with their instruments, forget to shower, and are mangy. If you talk to a saxophonist during a break, you will hear a lot of excuses about his reeds. • On trumpet_______________. Trumpet players are image-conscious and walk with a swagger. They are often former college linebackers. Trumpet players are very attractive to women, despite the strange indentation on their lips. Many of them sing; misguided critics then compare them to either Louis Armstrong or Chet Baker depending whether they're black or white. Arrive at the session early, and you may get to witness the special trumpet game. The rules are: play as loud and as high as possible. The winner is the one who plays loudest and highest. If you talk to a trumpet player during a break, he might confess that his favorite player is Maynard Ferguson, the merciless god of loud-high trumpeting. • On guitar_________________. Jazz guitarists are never very happy. Deep inside they want to be rock stars, but they're old and overweight. In protest, they wear their hair long, prowl for groupies, drink a lot, and play too loud. Guitarists hate piano players because they can hit ten notes at once, but guitarists make up for it by playing as fast as they can. The more a guitarist drinks, the higher he turns his amp. Then the drummer starts to play harder, and the trumpeter dips into his loud/high arsenal. Suddenly, the saxophonist's universe crumbles, because he is no longer the most important player on stage. He packs up his horn, nicks his best reed in haste, and storms out of the room. The pianist struggles to suppress a laugh. If you talk to a guitarist during the break he'll ask intimate questions about your 14-year-old sister. • Our featured vocalist is the lovely _____________. Vocalists are whimsical creations of the all-powerful jazz gods. They are placed in sessions to test musicians' capacity for suffering. They are not of the jazz world, but enter it surreptitiously. Example: A young woman is playing minor roles in college musical theater. One day, a misguided campus newspaper critic describes her singing as '...jazzy. 'Voila! A star is born! Quickly she learns 'My Funny Valentine,' 'Summertime,' and 'Route 66.' Her training complete, she embarks on a campaign of musical terrorism. Musicians flee from the bandstand as she approaches. Those who must remain feel the full fury of the jazz universe. The vocalist will try to seduce you--and the rest of the audience--by making eye contact, acknowledging your presence, even talking to you between tunes. DO NOT FALL INTO THIS TRAP! Look away, make your distaste obvious. Otherwise the musicians will avoid you during their breaks. Incidentally, if you talk to a vocalist during a break, she will introduce you to her 'manager.' • On trombone___________________. The trombone is known for it's pleading, voice-like quality. 'Listen,' it seems to say in the male tenor range, 'Why won't anybody hire me for a gig?' Trombonists like to play fast, because their notes become indistinguishable and thus immune to criticism. Most trombonists played trumpet in their early years, then decided they didn't want to walk around with a strange indentation on their lips. Now they hate trumpet players, who somehow get all the women despite this disfigurement. Trombonists are usually tall and lean, with forlorn faces. They don't eat much. They have to be very friendly, because nobody really needs a trombonist. Talk to a trombonist during a break and he'll ask you for a gig, try to sell you insurance, or offer to mow your lawn.
LEAD TRUMPET PLAYER RULES(Submitted by BobHanni-SoFla) Never cut off the last note with the rest of the band, always hang over to draw attention to yourself. This will help to get you laid at the end of the night. Whenever possible, take something up an octave. Many arrangers really don't know exactly how to write for the trumpet so this will improve the chart and overall musicality--not to mention that all women really like high notes (and of course this will help you to get laid at the end of the gig). Never let anyone in the trumpet section play higher than you. This will weaken your authority as the leader and lessen your chances of getting laid at the end of the gig. Never button the top three or four buttons of your shirt. This will help to show the medallion hanging around your neck. This is the sign of a true Italian Stallion, and will help you get laid. Always make playing the trumpet look harder than it really is. This looks impressive, and will definitely increase your chances of getting laid at the end of the gig. Always be a little late for the bus because this will show everyone that you are very important. It will also reaffirm to everyone that you are the top dog in the band. When you got lucky the night before, always show up for breakfast in the hotel restaurant with the bimbo that you got lucky with last night. This is very impressive and most of the guys in the band will be jealous. Whenever possible, have your bimbo always ride the bus. This will create good will in the band. Once the guys really get to know her, she will be like one of the family and it will make the band tighter. Remember, the bigger asshole you can be in the band, the more people will like you. Also, don't worry about your ego being too big, most people really respect that. This will probably get you more gigs and of course more gigs mean more bimbos.
Top 10 Drummer Mysteries(Submitted by JayCorre-SoFla) #10 The Stick Bag Metamorphosis Having spent half an hour in the music store selecting the perfect pair of sticks, rolling, tapping and weighing them, you pull them out at the gig that night to find that one of them suddenly feels like a #2 pencil, while the other feels like a softball bat. #9 The Inverse/Pay Ratio of Gigs The gig on which you can play exactly the kind of music you want (to an adoring crowd) and on which you find yourself accomplishing things on your instrument that would mystify Buddy Rich, pays $20 (which you will receive in your mailbox three months later). The gig on which you play utterly boring music, work with inept musicians, drop a stick every twelve bars, and perform to a crowd that apparently hates every note, pays $300 (in cash, in advance). #8 The Mysterious Cymbal Bag Transformation The $400 cymbal that you test in the music store sounds like a choir of angels. You excitedly rush it home and put it in your cymbal bag. That night at the gig, you take it out and begin playing it, only to find that it has been mysteriously transformed into a piece of Kryptonite that clashes with all other instruments in all keys. #7 The Suddenly Obsolete Equipment Part At the exact moment a piece of equipment breaks, replacement parts disappear from every music store in existence. At the same time, the piece is discontinued by the manufacturer. Attempting to find a substitute part at a hardware store, you are informed that the threads on the piece are incompatible with every known thread configuration in the history of machining. (This only happens if you use a common brand of equipment. If you are using a 1961 Trixon set, you will find an abundance of parts at any 7-11 store. #6 The "Evidence That There Is Evil In The Universe" Bass Drum Pedal Your trusty pedal works flawlessly through hundreds of hours of merciless stomping. Then one night, an agent who is able to get a million dollar record contract for your band comes in to hear you play your super-funk-fuzoid original tune. At the exact moment the bass player begins the incredibly syncopated figure you spent two months rehearsing and perfecting together, the pedal spring breaks. #5 Multiple Vaporizing Drumkeys The five drum keys in your stick bag, the two on the floor tom tuning lugs, and the one on your key chain simultaneously vanish, as you sit down to play for a crowd of ten thousand people and find that your snare drum batter head is split down the middle. (If you play a set with slotted tuners, all screwdrivers and coins will also vanish). #4 The Equipment Schlepping/Weather Syndrome You get a call for a gig with a high-powered rock band. You load your 10-piece, 26-ply rock 'n' roll kit (the one with the seventy-pound bass drum and forty-five pound triple-braced cymbal stands) into the car and drive to the gig. There, you are informed by a security guard that you must park in the employee parking lot (which is a mile away), drag your equipment to the building, and go up six flights of outside stairs because the elevator is broken. As soon as you receive this news, the worst thunderstorm in recent history begins. Conversely, you get a call to do an hour of background music at a **tail party. You bring a snare drum and a pair of brushes. Upon arriving at the gig, you find that you are able to pull your car up to a door that opens directly onto the bandstand. The weather is perfect. #3 The Famous Drummer/Unknown Drummer Sitting In Syndrome A world-famous drummer, who has recorded several hundred albums, been on the cover of Time Magazine, and authored two dozen books, comes into the club and is invited to sit in. As you cower nervously in the corner, he gets behind the drums and picks up the sticks. He then proceeds to play too loud, and with unutterably bad taste, while dragging the tempo down to half of what it originally was. After one tune, the band politely ushers him off the stage. Conversely, an unknown drummer walks in the club and asks to sit in. His claim to fame is two months on the road in 1958 with the Claude Kochanowski Polka Band. You graciously allow him to play, assuring the other band members that you will return after one short tune. You leave the bandstand with a knowing smile on your face. Then your smile disappears as the drummer proceeds to play things that would send Vinnie Colaiuta back to the woodshed. The band urges him to play the rest of the night as you sit in the corner mentally calculating how you're going to pay this month's bills now that you are out of a gig. #2 The Wrong Drumkit Phenomenon You show up at a gig with your new $10,000 hand-made African teakwood-finished drumkit. You find that the gig is outside, next to a swimming pool. Kids are in the pool, throwing tidal waves of water on your set. Their parents are dancing directly in front of your drums, stepping on your front bass drum hoop and leaving black rubber heel marks all over the front head. It is 110 outside, and pits are already beginning to form on the drums' chrome from the sweat pouring off of you. A waiter, carrying a tray of food, slips in a puddle of water and dumps guacamole all over your tom-toms. The bartender, who is right next to you, accidentally knocks the lid off the blender while mixing a batch of Brandy Alexanders, plastering your beautiful wood-finished shells with sticky brown goop. Since you had to disassemble that kit to clean it up, you have to make the next gig with your spare kit-the thirty year old no-name kit with the missing bottom heads, peeling chrome, and bubbled pearl finish-that you bought at a garage sale for $25. A smiling bellboy helps you remove the drums from your car and carries them piece by piece into a large ballroom, where you will set them up on an eight foot riser under a twenty-foot wide bank of dazzling white stage lights. Steve Gadd will be sitting in, and the gig will be televised. And the #1 drumming mystery (drum roll please)..... #1 The Incredible Leaping Drumstick** At the precise moment in your drum solo when you have brought your press roll down to a whisper-quiet level at which it sounds like a piece of tearing silk, and you could hear a pin drop because everybody has stopped talking and every eye in the room is trained on your hands, one of your sticks suddenly........ Well, you know the rest.

How To Be Friends With the Band.. (Submitted by Jay Corre, SoFla) REQUESTS: Musicians are expert mind readers. Only refer to your requests with the phrase "play my song"! We have a chip implanted in our heads with an unlimited database with the favorite tunes of every patron who ever walked into the bar, so feel free to be vague, we love the challenge. If we do not remember exactly what tune you want, it's an intentional ploy to offend you. Remember, entertainers live to be offensive; we stay up all night thinking up ways to do this; we also never get enough abuse, so any abuse that you add will keep us in line. If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they either forgot that they know the tune or they are lying to you. Try singing a few words for the band; if one member halfway knows part of a chorus, the rest of the band will instantly learn the entire song by osmosis. Knowing this, if the band still claims to not know your song just keep requesting the same song ad nauseum. Never try to request another tune the band actually knows. Scream your request from across the room several times per set, followed by the phrases, "AW COME ON!" & "YOU SUCK!." Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor are a big help such as the thumbs down or your middle finger. Put downs are the best way to jog a band's memory. This instantly promotes you to the status of, -Personal Friend Of The Band.- If your choice of music is a complete departure from what the crowd loves (and cannot get enough of), i.e. if they play original Blues, ignore this. Simply put a lot of money into the tip jar to bolster your argument. This will circumvent any lack of knowledge they have about your requested tune. The more money you tip the band with, the more power you have to dictate what happens on stage. Feel free to use your money to bully the band. Entertainers are notorious fakers and never prepare for shows, they simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what they will do once they arrive. An entertainer's job is so easy, even a monkey could do it, so don't let them off the hook. The band and club's income does not depend upon numbers of people patronizing the bar, screw them, your request is all that matters. If a metal band had played at the club for the last few weeks, the next band that follows will automatically know every metal tune the previous band played, even if the current band is a blues or country band. It's the law. Feel free to yell "AC-DC!", or "SLAYER!!" to a band that plays strictly originals or blues for example. Conversely, Deadheads may yell for Grateful Dead tunes at a dance or metal band. HELPING THE BAND: If you inform the band that you are a musician in a garage band or singer in a Karaoke bar, be sure to let them know that you can run rings around them and they need you in their band. In fact the sole reason the band has not exploded onto the charts is because they do not have you as their big break. And besides, that black guy singing the blues is just copying the Downchild, and Clapton, in spite of the fact that he 's 63 years old. Tell the band, unequivocally, that your mere presence as a member of their band will save them from the depths of mediocrity and assure them of success beyond their wildest dreams. This works every time. If the band continues to refuse your repeated demands to perform with them, stand on the dance floor and perform with every tune they do. Do everything you can to be louder than the band, if they won't let you perform with them, be disruptive. Nothing asserts your superiority like an out of tune harmonica, vocalist or a tambourine played out of tempo. For extra credit, use these instruments in tunes that do not have them in the original recording. Musicians love to play cover tunes with instruments that do not belong there. They will overlook how badly you play and will wonder how they have gotten along all these years without you. BONUS TIP: As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get on stage and start playing their instruments. Even if you are 86ed, you have made your point. The band will call you immediately the following day to offer you a position.
CLUB DATE GUITARIST (Submitted by Jay Corre, SoFla) What, you may ask, is a club date? It isn't always a high profile gig at a happening, swinging club or bar-room. ("Grrrooovy! Dig this, you beatnik you!") Usually the club date takes place at a catering hall called something "Manor", like Deadwood Manor, Rat-Hole Manor, Fake Tudor Manor, etc. You can also find yourself at a country club or restaurant. Why is it called a club date? I don't really know. Maybe at one time people actually played gigs at clubs for money. Those days are fondly remembered by club date leaders who will now take their frustrations out on you, the newcomer. Anyway, the directions to this catering hall are given to you in a casual manner, as if only a complete FOOL could become lost. Consequently, you will almost certainly end up dressed in an ill-fitting tuxedo with a car full of expensive equipment and no gas, no map, no street signs and no way out. Once you finally arrive at the gig, head straight for the leaking dumpsters located to the rear. Next to them you will find the musician's entrance. Carefully make your way through the puddles of grease and grime on the kitchen floor. Important tip! Ask no questions. The hall's employees desire only to make your life miserable. Always remember that in the elaborate caste system of catering halls, musicians are lower than the lowest pot washer or small woodland animal that feeds on the kitchen scraps. Above all, don't look at the kitchen! To keep your strength up you may have to eat something that was under-or-over cooked in this foul pit. Once out of the kitchen, blunder on until you find the "stage". The "stage" can be anywhere from 4 feet square to the size of a football field, but rest assured that as the guitarist you face formidable obstacles. You will almost always be placed in front of one of the speakers. While enabling you to hear the singer's vocal cues, etc., you will also bear the onslaught of their "hipness". Try to endure. Many of the guests will approach you with incoherent requests or curious anecdotes about friends or relatives who also play guitar. You must send them away quickly without angering them and before their breath has completely paralyzed your motor control. Just point vaguely in the direction of the leader and mumble something in a language of your own invention. If this fails, play something tasteful; it will confuse them and they will stumble on to their next victim. Tips and tricks As the guitarist you will need to work on your version of rock & roll. However, your version need bear little resemblance to the real thing. Move your mouth as if you were actually singing songs you don't know and smile often at the leader, even if you are filled with a mindless, burning rage at his incompetence. Bring an amplifier, or better yet, a rack, that has many lights, pedals and switches. Even if you have other amps that sound better the leader will be mesmerized by any blinking lights or goofy sounds. Eventually you can turn the volume on your guitar completely off and merely move your left hand aimlessly over the fretboard. This way you can devote all of your time to daydreaming about the leader buried in an anthill located in a distant outpost of the Congo with small monkeys throwing rotted fruit at his endlessly talking head. "Try your Neil Diamond medley now, you hack!" (This one works well for me but feel free to improvise some of your own). Don't try to impress any of the other players on the gig with your knowledge of the correct chord changes or exotic musical styles (NO jazz!). In fact, any exhibition of taste could spell disaster for your future as a club date guitarist. The other players, most notably the woodwind and horn players, have a head full of misinformation about the guitar (and often about their own chosen instrument). What they do enjoy is for you to look and sound busy. Play really fast strumming things and twirl around your tiny stage space like a drunken Fred Astaire. They love this. When the keyboard player plays what can only be interpreted as completely wrong changes, compliment him on his reharmonization. When the bass player studiously avoids any note even close to the actual root of a chord, thumbs up! The singers, off in a musical world that would frighten even the most hardened criminal, love compliments about their singing and also, looks. "You sound wonderful. Have you lost weight?" Eventually, the gig is over. Exchange cards with people. You can scribble your own telephone number on the backs of their cards on your next club date. Gather what is left of your pedal board (the sax player has been stomping on it all night while playing his impassioned and yet completely meaningless solos), Coil your cords, clean the glasses and plates off the top of your amplifier and stumble back out through the kitchen. Once you have located the correct road home you can smile in satisfaction. This time, you say to yourself, was really the last time.
Cruise for Bassists(Submitted by Bob Wilbur, SoFla) A bass player was broke and wishing for a cheap vacation when he saw a startling advertisement in the Sunday travel section of the New York Times: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mississippi Riverboat Cruises! Four days, three nights on the Big Muddy. Bassists special fare: Twenty-five cents. . 25 Bring your bass to claim the reduced rate. Number of discount fares limited. Other restrictions may apply. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feeling both a little incredulous and excited, he bundled up his dog house and headed down to the docks. Locating the ticket window, he approached it a little shyly, set down his bass and asked, "I'm here to inquire about the twenty-five cent cruise for bassists." "Do you have your bass with you, sir?" "You bet I do. It's right here." "Well, then there'll be no problem arranging your cruise. Where's that quarter?" And as he was digging into his front pants pocket he was hit on the back of the head with a blunt object and fell to the ground. Waking some hours later, he found himself tied to his bass, floating down the Mississippi, his head aching. Unable to free himself, he floated for some time and after awhile, began to see real beauty in the passing riverscape, the trees, herons startling out of the shallows, catfish surfacing. He fell off to sleep for a little while. When he awoke, he became aware of another man, tied to a bass fiddle,floating near him. And, realizing that he was famished and thirsty, he called over to the other musician, "Hey, man. Do they serve any food or drinks on this cruise?" And the man replied, "They didn't last year."
Top Recording Trumpet player GARY GRANT'S How To Make it in the Recording Studio Submitted by John Branzer - SoFla How to make it in the studio recording business. Be early. Show-up at proper studio. Be on time. Keep a good attitude. Keep mouth shut! Keep feet still. Don't talk! Smile! Mind your own business. Don't complain about parking. Sharpen pencil. Fill out forms immediately. Set up instruments 10 minutes before downbeat. Pay Attention! Keep earphones on. Don't leave earphones uncovered. Listen! Be Ready to play at all times. Keep hands down. Stay awake. Don't make any noise! Be polite. Say hello to leader. Charisma at all times. Don't leave the stand. Warm-up very softly. Actually tune to the given "A" except trumpets which were tuned at the factory. Mark your parts so anyone can read. Don't ask questions. Watch leader. Stay mellow. Don't forget mutes. Keep instrument in working condition. Always seem interested in the music. Don't look too far ahead. Stop playing when leader stops. Never talk immediately after a "Take"! Never hang over at end. Don't play melodies that may have been "ripped-off". Try to only have enough chops for that particular job. Don't correct wrong notes after the final take. Be congenial. Don't over compliment "great performances". Never point at other musicians. Use the "chain of command". Laugh at every joke. Say "yes" to everything. Blend and balance. Concentrate. Be quiet! Stay in chair. Be budget-conscious. Say thanks to everyone. Don't be critical of fellow musicians. Don't drink booze on the job! No drugs! Talk only on 10's! Do not bother contractor! Focus! SILENCE! Concentrate. Stay out of the booth. Compliment engineers. Stay away from the producers. Don't eat booth food. Don't complain about air conditioner. Don't complain about mix. Don't expect booth improvements, decade to decade. Don't "produce" from the orchestra. Don't pack-up early. Don't leave until you're excused. Pick-up all reminders. Clean up your area when finished. Don't make an ass out of yourself! Never ever say, Who wrote this shit!?!
EXPRESSIONS TO AVOID During A Recording Session (From Steely Dan's Web Site) Ready, Freddie (pronounced red-eye fred-eye). Bingo, gringo. Uno, Bruno. The phones sound O.K. but I need more of myself. We won't need a click. I like what you're trying to do but not the way you're doing it. An excellent first attempt. Was that the sound you had on the demo? Make the click louder. That was a pretty good take for this time of night. If you want the tempo any brighter than that, we better wait for a sunny day. No dynamics? We're playing as loud as we can. I think that's a pretty good sounding take for what were getting paid.. That was great, let's do it again. Is that about as tight as you boys want to get it? Is it possible the click is speeding up? I'm at the point where I'm making dumb mistakes - before I was making much smarter mistakes. So many drummers, so little time. Why don't we do the double first and the lead will be easier to get once we've got the double. I never had this problem when I was being produced by Lenny and Russ. We got some things, we need some things. Fabulous. Punch in at the section. You can't make ice cream out of shit. You can't polish a turd. Just let your spirit soar. My spirit's already sore from the last thirty takes... Close. Less is more. Less is Paul. Less is Brown. Less is less. That's the way I've been playing it all along. I just wish I could get a whole band that sounds as good as I do. This will be a great opportunity for me to show off my chops. Let's hear the bass, if you can call it that. Play something Paul would tell Linda to play. Does your amp have an underdrive channel? You can erase that one, I remember exactly what I played. We'll catch that in the mix. You guys can fix that in Soundtools, right? I brought my kid along, he's never been in a recording studio before. My girlfriend sings great background vocals. I know a great drummer You guys want to try some heroin? Your girlfriend's been in the bathroom a long time Please, man, stay away from my axes, okay? I'm not going to be any more dishonest with you than I am with Donald. I'd like a little more of a live feeling on this tune. I also play eleven other instruments. Sorry I'm late, I just got through with my blood test (or CAT scan). That vocal's not a keeper is it? That's how I wrote it but that's not how I like to play it. I can't think of any improvements that won't make it worse. That ground loop is a trademark thing for me. That's the new old comp from today - I want to hear the new old comp from last Tuesday. That reverb would sound a lot better if it were coming out of a piece of MY GEAR. How bout we get rid of these 3M machines and get ourselves a frozen yogurt machine. Roz Shrank on line one for you. Skunk called, he's on his way down. The frozen yogurt machine is broken. When was the last time we worked together? Tonight. Some additions: No - I don't need to tune up. Anybody got any double-A's? (sax player) Whaddaya mean pull out? You sound like my girlfriend. Don't worry, I can change the pitch with my mouse. I know what's written, it just cannot be played pianissimo.
A guy sees a trumpet-playing friend of his, hasn't seen him for ages, and asks him how he's been doing. "Oh, just great!", says the guy. "I'm doing all the major film calls for Jerry Goldsmith, John Williams and that bunch, also I've been touring with top groups. I'm first trumpet on the tonight show, I just cut a CD with Quincy Jones and I have five solos on it, and I sub on the L.A. Philharmonic from time to time. What about you?" "Oh, well", the guy, says, "you know I hate to admit it, but I'm still doing that little organ trio on Tuesday nights at the bowling alley....". "Hmmm....", says the other guy, "do you know who's booking that gig...?" (Submitted by Charlie Turner, LasVegas)
Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control? A: Their personalities.	Q: How can you tell when a drummer is at the front door? A: The knock gets faster.
Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? A: The bow is moving.	Q: Why is a violinist like a scud missile? A: Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Q: What's the best recording of the Walton Violin Concerto? A: "Music Minus One"	Q: What's the definition of a gentleman? A: Someone who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.
Q: What does the guitar player say when he gets to work? A: " Would you like fries with that, sir?"	Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A: To get away from the sound.
Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players? A: It saves time in the long run.	Q: What is the difference between a Soprano Sax and a '57 Chevy? A: You can tune a '57 Chevy.
Q: How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax? A: Add vibrato.	Q: What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? A: Gifted.
Q: If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: (1) an in-tune soprano sax player (2) an out-of-tune soprano sax player, or (3) Santa Claus? A: The out-of-tune soprano player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.	Q: What's the difference between playing viola and wetting your pants? A: Both playing viola and wetting your pants are publicly humiliating, but one leaves you with a warm feeling.
Q: What do you do when a musician knocks on your door? A: Give him the money and take the pizza.	Q: What's the definition of a quarter tone? A: A harpist tuning unison strings.
Q: Why do drummers have half an ounce more brains than horses? A: So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.	Q: Why are oboists and bassoonists the only musicians who make their own reeds? A: Because the other musicians have social lives.
Q: What's better, an oboe or a bassoon? A: A bassoon. It burns longer.	Q: What's the difference between a French horn player and a weather reporter? A: The weather reporter is more accurate.
Q: What are two differences between female vocalists and terrorists? A: (1) You can negotiate with terrorists. (2) They both destroy bridges.	Q: What do you do when the second violist dies? A: Move him down a chair.
Q: How do trumpet players traditionally greet each other? A: "Hi. I'm better than you."	Q: What do Kenny G and an AK-47 have in common? A: They both repeat themselves 240 times a minute.
Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road? A: Skid marks in front of the snake.	Q: What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road? A: The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
Q: What's a tuba for? A: 1 1/2" x 3 1/2"	Q: How do you know if a viola section is at your front door? A: No one knows when to come in.
Q: How do you get a violist to play down bow staccato? A: Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it solo.	Q: What's the difference between a cello and a viola? A: The cello burns longer.
Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? A: So you don't have to retrain the cellists.	Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.
Q: Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants? A: They've had so little use.	Musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. Is told he is dead. Calls back 25 times. Same message from receptionist. Receptionist asks why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."
Bill: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the band play?" Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."	Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To get away from the bassoon recital.
Q: When does a banjo player sound the best? A: When the tune is over.	Q: How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo? A: Write "pp, espressivo" on the music.
Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes? The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.	Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car? It took him 30 minutes to get his drums, the bass amp, and the bass player out.
Q: Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instruments? A: Violins don't have spit valves.	Q: What's the definition of a nerd? A: Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
Q: What's the definition of Perfect Pitch? A: When the banjo doesn't hit the side of the dumpster.	Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test? A: Saliva.
Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? A: Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.	Q: How do you reduce wind drag on a trombonist's car? A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
Q: What's the definition of optimism? A: A bass trombone player with a beeper.	One string bass player played so out of tune that his section noticed.
Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven - one to change it and the other six to sing about how much better the old one was.	Q: How is a savings bond like a musician? A: Eventually it may mature and make some money.
Q: What's the difference between Courtney Love, Wayne Gretzky and a female bass player? A: Gretzky showers after three periods.	Q: What should you do if you run over a guitar player? A: Back up.
Q: What's the difference between an oboe and an onion? A: No one cries when you chop up an oboe.	Q: What's another definition of an optimist? A: A choral director with a mortgage.
Q: What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? A: You take your shoes off when you jump on a trampoline.	Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola? A: Sit in the back and don't play.
Q: How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door? A: The doorbell shrieks!	Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.
Q: What's the difference between violists and terrorists? A: Terrorists have sympathizers.	Q: Why can't a gorilla play trumpet? A: He's too sensitive.


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