• alto trombone - n. A very weak tenor trombone.
• bass trombone - n.
  1-Several mutually exclusive instruments hooked together by an ingenious set of tubes, rotors, levers and valves. Capable of very loud, very rude noises accompanied by a percussive symphony of mechanical clanks, squeaks, squawks and whistles.
  2-The lead trumpet of the trombone family.
• bass trombonist - n. The one in the section who couldn't develop any high range whatsoever as a young player and is now getting even by drowning everyone else out whenever he gets a chance.
• bass trumpet - n. An instrument that combines all the worst features of the trumpet and the trombone.
• conductor - n. One who has accepted the fact that he cannot play but has NOT accepted the reasons why.
• contractor - n. Someone who cannot play, does not know it, but thinks he knows how OTHER people play.
• doodle tongue - n. A rapid tonguing style that is too weak.
• double tongue - n. A rapid tonguing style that is too strong.
• embouchure - n. An ad hoc and ephemeral arrangement of the tissues of the face designed to allow a trombonist to play a desired note. Some players claim to have only one. They are the ones who can only play one note.
• flexibility - n. A talent best left to gymnasts and contortionists.
• fortissimo - adj. A trombonist's mezzo-piano.
• free jazz - n. Jazz for which no one will pay any money.
• F trigger-abbreviation - Originally used when the first one failed in the middle of a concert and the player was overheard to say "F*!@ing trigger as he tried to make it work.
• gig bag - n. A container designed to collect and hold dents.
• high range - n. The range above where you can comfortably play.
• jazz club - n. A place where people pay a lot of money not to listen to jazz, most of which does not go to the musicians to whom they are not listening.
• jazz festival - n. A place where people pay a lot of money not to listen to music that is not jazz in the first place.
• jazz trombone - n. (also called peashooter, slipstick, small bore horn, and primitive blow stick) Any trombone that sounds bad below middle Bb and shrill above middle C.
• lead trombonist - n. (also referred to as principal trombonist) The one in the section w/the worst middle and low range.
• legato - adj. A style of playing midway between glissando and staccato. Rarely achieved on the slide trombone.
• low range - n.
  1 - The ugly part.
  2 - The clumsy part.
  3 - The range below where you can comfortably play.
• microphone - n. A mechanical device designed to collect and amplify the least pleasing 5% of the sound of a trombone.
• middle range - n.
  1 - The range in which you can be sure not to miss notes. Usually less than a minor third.
  2 - The range in which you run out of excuses.
• mouthpiece - n. A convenient excuse for missed notes.
• mute - n. A device designed to render the already largely ignored trombone completely inaudible.
• no pressure system - n. A way of playing the trombone that lets lots of air escape from around the rim of the mouthpiece.
• orchestral trombone -n.
  1 - Originally a medium sized horn used primarily in support of the woodwinds and strings.
  2 - In contemporary times, a gigantic horn used primarily to drown out the woodwinds and strings.
  3 - Also contemporarily, any trombone that is too large on which to comfortably play the trombone solo in Ravel's "Bolero".
• pianissimo - adj. No definition available in a trombone dictionary.
• pitch - n. What all the other instruments do not have.
• rubato - adj. What most conductors consider a steady tempo.
• second trombonist - n. The one in the section who can play well neither high not low.
• single tongue - n. A rapid tonguing style that does not work.
• solo - n. Something played by everyone but trombonists.
• spit valve - n. A device invented to torture people who sit in front of trombonists.
• staccato - adj., n. Notes short enough that you can't hear the slide glissando that occurs between them.
• string players - n. The ones with the earplugs. (Also saxophonists in jazz big band situations.)
• tenor trombone - n. A trombone that is neither capable of being played high enough or low enough to be easily heard.
• trombone - n. a manually operated air driven pitch approximator.
  1 - A puzzle in the shape of a brass instrument designed to totally defeat whomever is foolish enough to try to solve it.
  2 - A brass instrument that is most often used as camouflage and support for bad trumpet and french horn players.
  3 - The interior lineman in the game of music.
  
• valve trombone - n.
  1 - An oxymoron.
  2 - A trombone for people with short arms, a weak tongue, bad pitch and/or little or no hand/eye/ear coordination.

• "5,6,7,8"----------------really means: "1,2,3,4"
• Jazz 4 feeling---------really means: bass walks in four but drums remain in two.
• Latin feel----------------means: play a lot of percussion instruments with no groove.
• Push it-------------------really means: rush.
• Pull back----------------means: drag.
• Fabulous----------------means: this shit sounds real good.
• "I need it bigger"------means: play it loud and with no taste.
• Backphrasing----------means: someone will be singing out of time.
• More European--------means: hire an accordian player.
• Half hour-----------------means: you have 30 minutes to get high before the gig starts.
• "We're a hit"------------means: a lot of gay people really like the show.
• English show-----------term used to identify an extremely pretentious broadway musical written by a very lucky British guy.
• Musical director--------Non-blues-playin' rehearsal pianist who probably sleeps with one of the producers.
• Associate conductor---Non-blues-playin' rehearsal pianist who probably sleeps with the musical director.
• Choreographer-----------Person who sleeps with the musical director, producer, director, and some members of the cast. (also arranges dance routines)
• Broadway star---------High strung, self-involved, over-paid, singer-dancer type who loves Judy Garland and Bob Fosse.
• Chorus----------------aggregation of singer-dancer types who would love to be Broadway stars.
• Dance captain---------military term used for a cat that yells: 5,6,7,8" at the chorus.
• Stage manager---------uptight control freak that wears a Janet Jackson-type headset.
• House manager---------out of work actor or actress that tells the maintenance man when to turn on the air conditioner in the theater.
• Sound designer--------deaf Neanderthal who owns at least two microphones.
• Lighting designer-----blind Cro-Magnon who owns at least two light bulbs.
• Musical contractor----man who owns a musical instrument and calls the show "his".
• Bus and truck---------a bunch of people willing to play anywhere for lousy money.
• Show jacket----------cheap embarrassing outerwear identifying you as one that just loves the theater.

Definitions of Musical Terms(Submitted by GabeVillani-SoFla)

• String Quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.
• Detache: an indication that the trombones are to play with their slides removed.
• Glissando: a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
• Subito piano: indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.
• Risoluto: indicates to orchestras that they are to stubbornly maintain the correct tempo no matter what the conductor tries to do.
• Senza sordino: a term used to remind the player that he forgot to put his mute on a few measures back.
• Preparatory beat: a threat made to singers, i.e., sing, or else....
• Crescendo: a reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.
• Conductor: a musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.
• Clef: something to jump from before the viola solo.
• Transposition: the act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos.
• Vibrato: used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
• Half step: the pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.
• Coloratura soprano: a singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.
• Chromatic scale: an instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.
• Bar line: a gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.
• Ad libitum: a premiere.
• Beat: what music students do to each other with their instruments. The down beat is performed on top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.
• Cadence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.
• Diatonic: low-calorie Schweppes.
• Lamentoso: with handkerchiefs.
• Virtuoso: a musician with very high morals. (I know one)
• Music: a complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.
• Oboe: an ill wind that nobody blows good.
• Tenor: two hours before a nooner.
• Diminished fifth: an empty bottle of Jack Daniels.
• Perfect fifth: a full bottle of Jack Daniels.
• Ritard: there's one in every family.
• Relative major: an uncle in the Marine Corps.
• Relative minor: a girlfriend.
• Big band: when the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.
• Pianissimo: "refill this beer bottle".
• Repeat: what you do until they just expel you.
• Treble: women ain't nothin' but.
• Bass: the things you run around in softball.
• Portamento: a foreign country you've always wanted to see.
• Conductor: the man who punches your ticket to Birmingham.
• Arpeggio: "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
• Tempo: good choice for a used car.
• A 440: the highway that runs around Nashville.
• Transpositions:(1) men who wear dresses.(2)An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece
• Cut time: 1.parole. 2.when everyone else is playing twice as fast as you are.
• Order of sharps: what a wimp gets at the bar.
• Passing tone: frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues.
• Middle C: the only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low.
• Perfect pitch: the smooth coating on a freshly paved road.
• Tuba: a compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"
• Cadenza (1)that ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes.(2)The heroine in Monteverdi's opera Frottola.
• Whole note: what's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year.
• Clef: what you try never to fall off of.
• Bass clef: where you wind up if you do fall off.
• Altos: not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes".
• Minor third: your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling.
• Melodic minor: Loretta Lynn's singing dad.
• 12-tone scale: the thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with.
• Quarter tone: what most standard pickups can haul.
• Sonata: what you get from a bad cold or hay fever.
• Clarinet: name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo.
• Cello: the proper way to answer the phone.
• Bassoon: (1)typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and (2)a bedpost with a bad case of gas.
• French horn: your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.
• Cymbal: what they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with.
• Bossa nova: the car your foreman drives.
• Time signature: what you need from your boss if you forget to clock in.
• First inversion: grandpa's battle group at Normandy.
• Staccato: how you did all the ceilings in your mobile home.
• Major scale: what you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! That was a major scale!"
• Aeolian mode: how you like Mama's cherry pie.
• Bach chorale: the place behind the barn where you keep the horses.
• Plague: a collective noun, as in "a plague of conductors."
• Audition: the act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.
• Accidentals: wrong notes.
• Augmented fifth: a 36-ounce bottle.
• Broken consort: when someone in the ensemble has to leave to go to the bathroom.
• Cantus firmus: the part you get when you can play only four notes.
• Chansons de geste: dirty songs.
• Clausula: Mrs. Santa Claus.
• Crotchet: (1)a tritone with a bent prong. (2)like knitting, but faster.
• Ducita: a lot of mallards.
• Embouchure: the way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn.
• Estampie: what they put on letters in Quebec.
• Garglefinklein: a tiny recorder played by neums.
• Hocket: the thing that fits into a crochet to produce a racket.
• Interval: how long it takes to find the right note. There are three kinds: (1)Major interval: a long time. (2)Minor interval: a few bars. (3)Inverted interval: when you have to go back a bar and try again.
• Intonation: singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle Ages.
• Isorhythmic motet: when half of the ensemble got a different edition from the other half.
• Minnesinger: a boy soprano.
• Musica ficta: when you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.
• Neums: renaissance midgets.
• Neumatic melishma: a bronchial disorder caused by hockets.
• Ordo: the hero in Tolkien's Lord of the Rings.
• Rota: an early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts.
• Trotto: an early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge.
• Lauda: the difference between shawms and krummhorns.
• Sancta: Clausula's husband.
• Lasso: the 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale.
• Di lasso: popular with Italian cowboys.
• Quaver: beginning viol class.
• Rackett: capped reeds class.
• Ritornello: a Verdi opera.
• Sine proprietate: cussing in church.
• Supertonic: Schweppes.
• Trope: a malevolent neum.
• Tutti: a lot of sackbuts.
• Stops: something Bach didn't have on his organ.
• Agnus dei: a famous female church composer.
• Metronome: a city-dwelling dwarf.
• Allegro: leg fertilizer.
• Recitative: a disease that Monteverdi had.
• Transsectional: an alto who moves to the soprano section.

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