The BEST Musician's Jokes(THE BOOK OF JOBBING)PAGE 1

Another newly discovered fragment from the "BOOK OF JOBBING", translated from the original Sumerian by Jay Corre. (submitted by Jay Corre)
Chapter 22 : The Temptation of Jaco-Mo How the Bass player became Perpetually Bored.

nd it came to pass in the Very Loud Big Band a disgruntlement upon the bassist, Jaco-Mo, which he could no longer abide." I am first to arrive, last to leave and yet receive no more shekels than the saxophones," he thought unto himself. "I must toil like a galley slave, pulling a very large oar for the horns, only to receive their scorn, and exhortations to "dig in". "This while they "walk the bar" and play all manner of preening blather, chorus after chorus on "Choo-Choo-Cha-Boogie" and the hated "Caledonia". All this began to chafe on Jaco-Mo in such exceeding fashion that he did stray from the written line and blasphemously "take it out".
This provoked an outcry amongst the horns and especially the Female Vocalist Who Could Not Count, until finally the Leader did chastise Jaco-Mo, "Lo, you have caused the horns great consternation, and led astray the Female Vocalist Who Cannot Count three times on this gig. I have no recourse but to docketh shekels from your pay."
One night after a particularly arduous engagement, Jacomo sat disconsolately at the bar in his tuxedo, the Badge of Shame. Presently, a somewhat seedy character sidled up him. "Say man, you want a gig?" he hissed, "It's a trio, man, smoking, play whatever you want, solo on every tune, and we're done at 10 O'clock. C'mon man, lose the monkey suit! Free up, baby! "
And Jaco-Mo was sorely tempted, for he sorely wished to free up and shed The Badge of Shame, and solo on every tune. And so he agreed, and subbeth not his gig with the Very Loud Big Band. "I will surely show them, for I shall be sorely missed, " he thought. "Then they will appreciate the toil of Jaco-Mo."
The time came for Jaco-Mo to make the trio gig and he followed the directions to the club. "This is a very bad part of town, "he said to himself, as he double checked the locks on his conveyance. And the people on the street did look covetously on Jaco-Mo as he made his way up the street with his Bass, perhaps to separate him from it or the brand new turtleneck he had chosen for his raiment.
But the gig was all he had wished for. They played at fantastic tempos no human could dance to, they traded 4's, 8's, 2's, and the like and lo,they did "take it out" repeatedly. All three patrons of the establishment were duly impressed and stayed until the end, one even beseeching Jaco-Mo for a ride home.
Thence came the time of remuneration, and the leader did hand Jaco-Mo but 11 shekels ($4.37 US). As he did so he said," Swingin' baby, you down for Saturday night?"
Jaco-Mo was in a quandary as he walked to his conveyance. He had played what he wished, indeed, "taken it out", but had only enough shekels for Ramen and perhaps a gallon of gas. As he unlocked his ride he realized his CD Player had been plucked from the dash!
Now Jaco-Mo was miserable, and decided to drop by the Wedding Reception to see how the Very Loud Big Band was doing. At least they would be sorry and beg him to come back. As Jaco-Mo mounted the stairs he heard bass! Not real bass though, something not of the bass world, but somehow passing for bass. And as he reached the top of the stairs, there was the keyboard player, doing Jaco-Mo's job with his left hand.
Came the intermission, and the players did disperse to the buffet line, some with their Tupperware hidden beneath the Badge of Shame,that they might avail themselves of the repast at a later date, and avoid Ramen. Jaco-Mo threw himself on the mercy of the Leader, "My conveyance broke down, and I got here as soon as I could", he sputtered dishonestly. "I can start the next set." The Leader, having gone through many bass players, fixed his gaze on Jaco-Mo, and spoke unto him, "What's up with the turtleneck?"
The Leader spoke as thunder now, "If thou dost return, Jaco-Mo, do thy swear to not stray again from the printed page? "Yes!," blurted Jaco-Mo weakly (rent was due). "And thou shalt not lose the Female Vocalist Who Cannot Count again ?" "I promise," he groveled , for he did miss his CD player, and wished to be anointed at the buffet line, that he might avoid Ramen. "All right Jaco-Mo, as your penance, go to the Road Case and don the Powder Blue Badge of Shame for the rest of the gig. "And as a final warning he said, "Do not cross me again, son, or I will give your gig back to the keyboard player's left hand."
And so Jaco-Mo did once more assume the yoke of duty in the rhythm section, in the Powder Blue Tux. His face became a blank mask of perpetual boredom, whether The Female Singer Who Could Not Count was smiling at him, (for he never lost her again),or the horns scornfully exhorted him to "dig in. "Jaco-Mo learned the hard way: It is better to eat than "take it out!"
Amen

Another newly discovered fragment from the "BOOK OF JOBBING", translated from the original Sumerian by Steven Hashimoto. (submitted by Ronnie Trent)

nd so in the dark of night the Lord awoke Noah, and spoke to him. "Noah, awake and heed my words!" And Noah, being sore afraid and disoriented, did cry out, "Who goeth there?" And the Lord did smite him upside the head, saying, "It is the Lord of all things, dummy!" And Noah did tremble, saying, "Lord, why hath thou wakened me?" And the Lord did say, "Noah, build me a Jobbing Band. "For the earth will be visited by a plague of Brides, followed by forty days of Trade Shows and forty nights of Awards Banquets." And Noah did say, "Command me, Lord." And the Lord did say, "First, thou must find me a Leader ." And Noah replied, "But Lord, will I not be thy Leader?" And the Lord did smite him again, saying, "Fool, thou will be my Contractor. Ask not why!" And Noah did bow his head, saying, "Yes, my Lord. And what will this Leader play?" And the Lord said, "It mattereth little, whether he play or not, or whether he be proficient or not. For his job shall primarily be to talk to the Brides and their Mothers, and to deal with Clients, and to count off Tempos wrong, and to inquire as to whether Overtime will happen, and to try to segue tunes that should not be segued. If he playeth any instrument, thou must always have another player of that instrument on the band, just to be safe." And Noah did say, "And what else shall this Leader do?" And the Lord replied, "It shall be his job to spread Bad Information and Confusion amongst the Sidemen, and to pit them one against the other, and to delay all payments. "Further shall it be his job, until we can afford a Sound man, to create Feedback, and to invent new Equalization Curves therefore." And Noah did shake his head in wonder, saying, "Lord, thy ways are Strange and Mysterious. What more shall I do?" And the Lord said, "Next, find me a Rhythm Section . "First, find me a Drummer . And Three Things above all must this Drummer possess." And Noah did ask, "What are these Three Things? Double Bass Drums? An Electronic Kit? Congas?" And the Lord did smite Noah again, saying "Second-guess me not, my servant. First, this Drummer must have slightly imperfect time, so that whenever he playeth a Fill (and he shall play many), he always emergeth at a different place, sometimes early and sometimes late, but thou may not guess which. "And second, he must be Supremely Discontent, always hoping for the Big Break which will lead to him playing with Chick Corea or Madonna, so that he despiseth Jobbing. "And third, he must always be convinced of his Righteousness, in all things, including Time, Volume, Tempo and Feel, so that he argueth always with the Bass Player." And Noah did say, "As you command, Lord. And what next?" And the Lord did say, "Thou art learning, Noah. Next shall be the Bass Player . And he shall be Bored. That is all." And Noah did say, "Of course. And next, my Lord?" "Next shall be the Piano Player . And he shall play as if he has twenty fingers, and he shall ply Substitute upon Substitute, until no man may name the Chord, and he will not be helpful. "Furthermore, he shall always be Late. And he shall always be trying out New Gear, of which he has no knowledge." And Noah did wonder aloud, "Lord, Great is thy Wisdom!" "Next shall be the Guitar Player . And he shall be a Rock Guitar Player. And he shall be Loud, and he shall sing 'Old Time Rock n' Roll'. "Also shall he know not The Page, and so shall rely upon his Ears, which have been damaged by exposure to High Sound Pressure Levels. For the Guitarists who Read shall already be playing Shows, and will be making the Big Shekels. "And his tux shall be the Rattiest." And Noah did say, "It shall be done." And the Lord did say, "Next thou shall need Horns. "First shall be the Saxophones . And they shall be Beboppers. And they shall play their Bird Quotes in every song, yea, even the Celine Dion ballad. And they shall Get High on every break, and make the Long Faces all night long, but especially when 'In The Mood' is called. "Next shall be the Trumpeters . And they shall every one attempt to take everything Up an Octave, and fail frequently. And of Changes they shall know nothing. "And finally shall be the Trombone Player . And many jokes will be made about him, for he will have a Beeper, as well as a Day Job, and he will be the first to be Cut from the Band." And Noah, taking many notes, did say, "Mighty is the Lord!" "Next shall be the String Players . Find me Three Women, and attach Pickups to their Violins that are more ancient even than Myself, so that their instruments screecheth and causeth great pain. "And their job shall be to dress in Evening Gowns, and to Fake Parts on all Ballads, and to occasionally Stroll, and to complain about the Volume, and the Intonation, and to impede the Swing." And Noah did say, "What else can be left, Lord?" And the Lord did say, "Finally, find me the Singers . "And they shall be Three, one a Male, and two Females. "And the Male shall be a Strutting Peacock, with the Rock 'N Roll Hair, and he shall never have to wear The Tuxedo, and also shall he play The Harmonica. "And of the Females, one shall be Black and one shall be White. And the Black one shall ALWAYS sing the Aretha songs, and the Disco. "And the White one shall ALWAYS sing the Power Ballads, and the Country Songs. "But both shall share the Motown Medley, and shall sing Backup for the Male, and forget the Words, and be Late, and know nothing of Keys or Form. And they shall leave every gig immediately, having never touched a piece of Equipment. "And they shall be paid many more shekels than the Sidemen. Ask not why." And Noah did say, "As Thou sayest, my Lord." And the Lord did command him, "Search high and low for these, as not every musician can fulfill these requirements. And though we have No Work yet, a Commitment must be secured from All. And while you're at it, start looking for Subs." And Noah did say, "Lord, thy will be done." And it was.

THE REPENTANT BANDLEADER (submitted by Don Baptiste)

nd so it came to pass, during one date, that the Sidemen were assailed by Doubts, and Darkness descended upon the Bandstand. And the Leader turned to his quaking flock, and saith, "My children, why do you doubt me? Have I not led you through the Valley of the Loading Dock to the Great Land of Long Breaks, Hot Meals, and Undertime? Have I not banished the dreaded 'Macarena' from the Set List, and allowed thee to Blow on selected numbers? Do we not play the Correct Changes for the Bridge of 'Girl From Ipanema', and do we not play Motown selections at the Proper Tempos? And do I not pay you all equitably, neither overpaying the Chick Singers nor underpaying the Horn Players? And are there not Charts for the Horns, so that thou need not Fake Parts? So why doth thou protest when I call The Willie Nelson Song, or The Jackson 5 Ballad? Are they not preferable to 'Achey Breaky Heart' or anything by Celine Dion? Wouldst thou rather suffer Flung Beverage Containers or Scowls and Hectoring by the Aunts and Uncles?" And the Sidemen answered him, "But Father, we look out into the Dance Floor, and we see The Maelstrom; "We fear the Youngsters with Pierced Body Parts, as well as the Ancient Ones with Canes and Walkers; "Also do we fear the Bridesmaids with the Large Hair, and the Groomsmen with Cigars and Dishevelled Tuxedos; "Also do we fear the Relatives from the Great Southwest, as well as those from California, and from New York; "Also do we regard with Fear and Loathing the Party Planner, and the Room Captain; "But mostly do we fear the Bride, and Her Mother, who ruleth the Earth, yea,even above you, our Leader." And the Leader looked and saw that this was true. And he took his Book, and he flung it into the Buffet Heaters; And he took his Baton, and he broke it over his knee; And he took his Red Bow Tie, and he rent it asunder; And he turned to the Party Planner, and he said, "Now you have no power over me, Minion of Evil"; And he turned to the Room Captain, and he said, "I will leave by the Lobby Entrance"; And he turned to the Bride, and said, "Take thy Whitney Houston CD and place it where thy Groom may find it during your Honeymoon;" And he turned to the Bride's Mother and said, "Thy Daughter is a Spoiled Brat, and I hope that she soon Divorces her Callow Husband and returneth to live with thee with her three children for the rest of thy Natural Life;" And he turned to the drummer and said, "The band is yours." And he went home and slept deeply and soundly, and arose the next day smiling, And began Making Calls to find work as a Sideman.

THE CURSE OF THE BASS PLAYER (Submitted by Jay Corre)

n the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old ...definitely pre-C.B.S. And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass. And, lo, the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst' red, and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork. Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo, it was funky. And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good. And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens. And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!" Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.) And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts." And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon' the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and rolled. Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man. And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of." "And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer." "You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass." "And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you play too high or fast, all the other musicians shall say "Wow", but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night." "And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink." And it was so..............

Book of Jobbing(Chapter IV) "GOD CREATES SIDEMEN" (Submitted by Mel Cagen)
A newly discovered and translated fragment

nd so the great Leader Nebulon did embark upon a search for suitable Sidemen for his orchestra, and he could find none; For in those days there were not many, and those that he could find were already working; Some worked the Ark with the House of Noah, and some had the house gig at The Walls of Jericho. And many played behind the scat-singing team of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednago. So Nebulon did return to the Lord and saith, "Lord, there are many musicians, but no Sidemen!", and he did sore rend his clothing. And the Lord did say, "Schmuck! Have you looked everywhere? Did you call even unto the Union?" And Nebulon did say, "Lord, I have looked high and low, especially low, and only one or two could I find. What shall I do?" And the Lord did afflict Nebulon with boils, saying "Leave me to think on this!" And just to buy some time he did also visit a plague of locusts on Egypt. And the Lord did summon a league of Angels, and sent them forth over the land, commanding them to find him some Sidemen. And the Angels did go to the four corners of the earth, but the only unemployed Sideman they could find was one holy man in India who did play the horn with the slide. So with great fear the Angels did return to the Lord with the bad news, and filled with wrath he was. "How can this be? At one time the world did teem with Sidemen, as a dead oxen does with maggots! And the Angels did say, "Lord, many left the business, many have become idiots, and some have even become Leaders, and no Leader will work for another Leader. So the Lord did cause drought for 40 days while he thought, and the answer came to him. He did recall that there was a factory, part of his Beasts Of The Field, Inc., division, that was in disuse. For it had been used to create Golems, for which there had been no great demand, and so He had closed down the operation. And He thought, We can retool, and start turning out Sidemen. And so it was done, and the Sidemen started rolling off the assembly line. But somehow a remnant of the Golem program remained, and the Sidemen did come out acting unpredictably. Some stammered and stuttered, some talked unto themselves under their breath, and some would not bathe. Some refused to shave their beards or to have their hair shorn, and some refused to wear the Jobbing Toga. And some wore the Toga, but left them crumpled in their chariots in between Gigs, or slept in them, or wore Togas from eons past, with ruffles. And some did not believe in maps, and wandered the land aimlessly Looking for the Gig, and some did not believe in the use of the hourglass, and arrived at the Gig whenever they chose. And some loved the wine of dates, and some loved the burning of hemp. And some were created without ears, and some with knuckles where their eyebrows should be. And some did worship the gods Trane, Jaco, Mahavishnu and Ornette, and mocked their Leaders. And some did steal food from the buffet line, yea, even before the Guests had dined. And some did try to lay with the Chick Singers, and some with the Guests. And some did not Read, and some could only Read, and not Blow. And some had no social skills, and some had no musical skills. And many of them were Dark, not in pigmentation of the skin, but in the Outlook on Life. But every once in a while the line did produce a Perfect Sideman; One who followed orders without question; One who showed up on time; One who wore the Toga; One whose chariot always ran; One who Knew Tunes; But these Perfect Sidemen were few and far between and besides their eyes were glazed, and they were shunned, for they were Boring, and knew not how to Hang. And soon the land teemed with Sidemen milling about, looking for Gigs, complaining and whining and arguing and occasionally Stabbing each other in the back. And the Lord looked down upon his work, and said, "It will do."

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