The BEST Biblical Musician's Jokes(THE BOOK OF JOBBING)PAGE 2

"Party Planners"....(Submitted by Mike Terry)

nd so it came to pass that as the 10th hour of the Day after Sabbath approached, the Leader did look upon his Children, saying, "It is time to rest." And the Sidemen did rejoice, and repaired to the Room of Hiding. Then did appear the Party Planner, saying unto them, "I have news both good and bad." And the Sidemen did reply, "Tell us first of the Good News." And she said, "There are dinners, and they are Chicken." And the Sidemen did rejoice, and smacked their lips. But the Bass Player, being of a suspicious nature, did narrow his eyes and ask, "And what of the Bad News?" And the Party Planner, looking toward the floor, did say, "But there are not enough Meals, for thou must share them with the Photographers and the Video Guy. Furthermore, thou must eat thy meals in 10 minutes. And furthermore, there are no Utensils available to those of lowly caste, ( that is how some employers look upon their professional musicians) and so thou must eat with thy Hands." Whereupon a great lamentation arose from the Sidemen, reaching unto the very depths of the Temple. And the Leader heard, and came running. "My Children, why dost thou raise thy voices, so that even above the DJ thou are heard?" And the Bass Player did drop a dime on the Party Planner, saying, "The Jezebel doth tease and mock us, even as doth one to a mule with a carrot!" And a great Fury rose up in the Leader, as he was, as these things go, a Righteous Man. And he turneth to the Party Planner and swore great oaths, and sayeth, "Thou thinkest to save a nickel here and a dime there, at the risk of our Relationship? Doth thou have S**T for Brains? Shall I go unto the Father and tell him that his son David's Bar Mitzvah will be interrupted while we send for Pizza?" And the Sidemen did cheer, as did the Photographers and the Video Guy. And so the Party Planner did stammer and shuffle her feet, and summon her Flunkies, and many more meals were discovered, as well as Forks and Knives, and even Napkins. And there was Fish as well as Fowl, and even Vegetables and Fruits. And thus was David's Bar Mitzvah saved, and the Leader kept the respect and love of his Children, for at least another week.

"PARTY PLANNER -Another Chapter"...(Submitted by Randy Singer)

nd so it came to pass, during one evenings performance, that the Sidemen were assailed by Doubts, and Darkness descended upon the Bandstand. And the Leader turned to his quaking flock, and saith, "My children, why do you doubt me? Have I not led you through the Valley of the Loading Dock to the Great Land of Long Breaks, Hot Meals, and Undertime? Have I not banished the dreaded Macarena from the Set List, and allowed thee to Blow on selected numbers? Do we not play the Correct Changes for the Bridge of Girl From Ipanema, and do we not play Motown selections at the Proper Tempi? And do I not pay you all equitably, neither overpaying the Chick Singers nor underpaying the Horn Players? And are there not Charts for the Horns, so that thou need not Fake Parts? So why doth thou protest when I call The Willie Nelson Song, or The Jackson 5 Ballad? Are they not preferable to Achey Breaky Heart or anything by Celine Dion? Wouldst thou rather suffer Flung Beverage Containers or Scowls and Hectoring by the Aunts and Uncles?" And the Sidemen answered him, "But Father, we look out into the Dance Floor, and we see The Maelstrom; We fear the Youngsters with Pierced Body Parts, as well as the Ancient Ones with Canes and Walkers; Also do we fear the Bridesmaids with the Large Hair, and the Groomsmen with Cigars and Dishevelled Tuxedos; Also do we fear the Relatives from the Great Southwest, as well as those from California, and from New York; Also do we regard with Fear and Loathing the Party Planner, and the Room Captain; But mostly do we fear the Bride, and Her Mother, who ruleth the Earth, yea, even above you, our Leader." And the Leader looked and saw that this was true. And he took his Book, and he flung it into the Buffet Heaters; And he took his Bandstand, and he broke it over his knee; And he took his Red Bow Tie, and he rent it asunder; And he turned to the Party Planner, and he said, "Now you have no power over me, Minion of Evil." And he turned to the Room Captain, and he said, "I will leave by the Lobby Entrance" And he turned to the Bride, and said, "Take thy Whitney Houston CD and place it where thy Groom may find it during your Honeymoon;" And he turned to the Bride's Mother and said, "Thy Daughter is a Spoiled Brat, and I hope that she soon Divorces her Callow Husband and returneth to live with thee with her three children for the rest of thy Natural Life" And he turned to the drummer and said, "The band is yours." And he went home and slept deeply and soundly, to awake the next day smiling, and begin Making Calls to find work as a Sideman..

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