The BEST Musician Jokes in the World-PAGE 4

You know you're too old to gig when:(Submitted by Mike Terry-SoFla)

It becomes more important to find a place onstage for your box fan, than your amp.
You refuse to play out of tune.
Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round of golf.
Your fans have left by 10:30 p.m.
All you want from groupies is a foot massage.
Your aftershow party is at the International House of Pancakes.
You love taking the elevator because you can sing along to most of your playlist.
You hire band members for their values instead of their talent.
Instead of a fifth member, your band wants to spring for a roadie.
You've lost the directions to the gig.
You need your glasses to see your amp settings.
You've thrown out your back jumping off the stage.
You're thrilled to have New Year's Eve off.
The waitress is your daughter.
You stop the set because your bottle of Ibuprofen fell behind the speakers.
Most of your crowd just sways in their seats.
You find your drink tokens from last month's gig in your guitar case.
You no longer use a tip jar.
You refuse to play without earplugs.
You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 p.m. instead of 9:30 p.m.
You check the TV schedule before booking a gig.
Your gig stool has a back.
You're related to at least one other member of the band.
You need a nap before the gig.
You don't let anyone "sit in."
After the third set, you bug the club owner to let you quit early.
During the breaks, you now go to your van to lay down.
You prefer a music stand with a light.
You don't recover until Tuesday afternoon.
You can't operate without a set list.
You have a contract.
You say you double on bass.

Jazz Haikus

Haiku: [n] an epigrammatic Japanese verse form of three short lines.

Jam session bassist - Observes fourteen soloists - Contemplates murder
Say, do you guys know - "Wedding Song" by Kenny G? - Buy the damn record
Riffing on "Rudolph" - Musicians in red and green - Learn humility
I'm sending a sub - But don't worry, he'll be fine - He's fresh from rehab
Solo pianist - Freed from all constraints of form - Heedlessly mangles
Jazz nymphs crowd bandstand - Offering carnal delights - My alarm clock rings
Double-timing bone - Sounds like somebody chewing - On a rubber band
Forty-two straight gigs - With no requests for "Take Five" - Time to call Guinness
Free jazz temptation - Strikes during the bride's first dance - What Would Wynton Do?
New Years revelers - Here's hoping the stroke of twelve - Sends you the hell home
Checking out women - High stages and low necklines - Great combination
A new world's record - Four choruses on "A Train" - My band hates me now
That plate of hors d'oeuvres - Cost more than we're getting paid - Think we underbid?
Break time is over - Rest of band is returning - Now for that phone call
Rock drummer, lounge keys - Classically trained singer - Welcome to sub hell
God bless trust fund gigs - Only have to eat ramen - For a few more weeks
Squeaking and squawking - All eyes roll to the heavens - The clarinet speaks
One beat to change from - Harmon to cup to bucket - "Hey, who wrote this S**T?"
The jam session starts - Somebody calls "Giant Steps." - Cold fear grips my brain
Here comes the high note - The lead trumpeter puckers - Clam, clam. "Squawk! ****!
Here's the girl singer - Stepping to the microphone - Pitch, time, all gone now
Gig is going well - Idiot requests "In the Mood." - I look at my watch
I once had a dream - Big house, new car, big money - Now I play the bass
Gorgeous chick tells me - "You sound just like Kenny G." - My ego shatters
Three-eight, eleven-eight - F*** you, Andrew Lloyd Webber - Five-eight, seven-eight...
The accordion - Squeeze box, "yes, but more often - The Stomach Steinway
The woodwind doubler - Practicing the piccolo - Frustration defined
Pit orchestra gig - Days and nights become as one - I have no life
Bad intonation - Strings are sharp and reeds are flat - Brass too loud again
An oxymoron - He played the accordion - With delicacy
"I can't find my note," - Bemoans the confused singer - "Quit now," we all pray
My drummer helped me - Count the syllables - In this haiku
New Year's revelers - Here's hoping the stroke of twelve - Sends you straight home

ACTUAL INSTRUCTIONS TO THE ORCHESTRA FROM PROFESSIONAL CONDUCTORS (IN REHEARSAL).

Please don't use the depth-charge pizzicato.
Pianissimo doesn't mean to drop the fuck out.
Listen to the tune, and then accompany it in a non-disgraceful fashion.
Let's see if you can pizzicato together in a non-banjo-like way.
It's very hard to raise money for something that sounds like this does.
Imagine you're getting enough money for what you do.
Not so bright. It sounds like "Orpheus in His Underwear."
Play short, especially if you don't know where you are.
That was a drive-by viola solo.
Horns, imagine that you've had a really ugly breakfast and it's about to come up.
There is a lot of fishing for notes. I wish you would catch them.
Strings, I know what you're thinking: "With all this racket going on, why am I playing?"
Well, there's no time for existential questions right now.
This must be much more agitated. Think of someone you hate. Think of your mother-in-law.
The place where you will be shot if you come in early is the bar before 26.
Now forget all the nasty things I said and play naturally.
You're all wondering what speed it's going to go. Well, so am I.
Play as if you were musicians.(Submitted by Jay Corre-SoFla)

I got this from a tenor sax player; please feel welcome to use it: Q: Why are trombones the best lovers? A: Trumpets do it with three fingers, baritones do it with four, and trombones do it in seven positions! Plus their instrument is extendable. (T. Robert "Bob" Campbell, Kingston ON, Canada)

Q: How do you keep a trombonist from drowning? A: Take your foot off his head.	Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A: A Drummer.
Q: Why are violinist's fingers like lightning? A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.	Q: What's the difference between an alto and a tenor? A: Tenors don't have hair on their backs.
Q: How do you get a band director out of a tree? A: Cut the rope!	Top Ten things you will never hear said by a music director... 10) Okay Saxophones, play that even louder now! 9) Wow drummers, you got that right the first time! 8) Can we have the whole Soprano section sing the high note? 7) Your tuning is great today basses! 6) Let's just have fun today! 5) Its okay to talk during solos drummers! 4) Let's include a drum set on that! 3) You can get drunk before the concert basses, I'm going to! 2) That was real good violas! 1) I'm sorry, it's all my fault!
Q: What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common? A: You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it.
Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen? A: Put it in a viola case.
Q: What will you never say about a banjo player? A: That's the banjo player's porsche.
Q: How many C melody sax players can you fit into a phone booth? A: All of them.	Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? A: The timpanist turned the bass player's peg and wouldn't tell him which one.
Q: You are in a room with Saddam Hussein, Adolph Hitler, and Kenny G. You have a gun but only two bullets. What do you do? A: Shoot Kenny G twice... just to make sure.	Q: How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune ? A: Evidently all of them.
Q: How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone? A: Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.	Q: What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw? A: It's easier to improvise on a chain saw.
Q: What's the definition of a minor second interval? A: Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same part.	Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?" Friend: "I hope so."
Q: How do you get a guitar player to turn down his volume? A: Put music in front of him.	Q: How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando? A: Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.
Q: How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs? A: By their names.	Q: How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree? A: Cut the noose.
There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.	Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, the keyboard player can do it with his left hand.
Q: What's the best thing to play on guitar? A: Solitaire.	Q: Why are harps like elderly parents? A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
Q: Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz? A: Start with two million.	Q: How do you make a keyboard player play softer? A: Take his chart away.
Q: How long does a harp stay in tune? A: About 20 minutes...or until someone opens a door.	Q: How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: one to hold the bulb and two to drink until the room spins.
Q: How do you get an oboist to play A flat? A: Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.	Q: How do you tune 5 saxophones? A: You shoot 4.
Q: What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? A: Homeless.	Q: What's the difference between a dressmaker and an alto?(singer) A: The dressmaker tucks up the frills.
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.	Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull? A: Jewelry.
Q: Why are viola jokes so short? A: So violinists can understand them.	Playing the banjo is a lot like throwing a javelin blindfolded. you don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
Q: What's the definition of an alto? A: A soprano who can sight read.	Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and an average all pro offensive lineman? A: Stage makeup.
Q: How can you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead? A: The horses all seem relieved.	Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says "I was a jazz musician...kill me now!"
Q: How many trombonists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, but it's the only thing they won't screw.
Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant? A: Eleven pounds.	Angus was asked why there were drones on the bagpipe when they make such a distressing sound. He answered, "Without the drones, I might as well be playing the piano."

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