The BEST Musician Jokes in the World(Page 5)

H O M E
BAND WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
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Jobbing	LIES

hese are some of the best of the musician jokes out there on the web. Most of them aren't meant to be insulting, in fact you can change the gender or instrument on almost all of the jokes, and they will retain their humor. Some of the jokes are a little "inside" if you're not a musician. If you have some fresh ones, please e-mail them to me. I'll give you credit

Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher? A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.	Q: Why are there four strings on a bass? A: Three are spares.
Glissando: a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.	Q: What's the last thing a drummer says in a band? A: "Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs?
Q: What is the difference between a chiropodist and Ginger Baker? A: A chiropodist bucks up your feet	A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops." At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant. "Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off. After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveler is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts "What happens when the drumming stops?!!" "Bass solo."
Q: What do Ginger Baker and canteen coffee have in common? A: They both suck without Cream.
Q: What's the best way to confuse a drummer? A: Put a sheet of music in front of him.
Q: Why is a drum machine better than a drummer? A: Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.
Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a husband? A: A saxophone makes sound when you blow it.
Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner? A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.	Risoluto: Indicates to orchestras that they are to stubbornly maintain the correct tempo no matter what the conductor tries to do.
Q: Why are bad drummers better than drum machines? A: You don't have to plug 'em in to get something stiff, mechanical and uninspired.	Q: Why is the French horn a divine instrument? A: Because man blows into it, but God only knows what comes out of it.
Q: What is a burning oboe good for? A: Setting a bassoon on fire.	You know you're kissing a French horn player when his lips are in the right place but his hand is up your ass.
Q: What is the difference between a stage coach driver and a conductor? A: A stage coach driver only has to look at four assholes!	Q: What's the difference between the front desk of violas and the back desk of violas? A: At least a semi-tone!
"Madam, you have an instrument between your legs that could bring pleasure to thousands, yet you insist on sitting there and scratching it!" -- Sir Thomas Beechum, conductor, to a cellist with whose performance he was displeased!	This guy says to his wife "Oh, baby, I can play you just like a violin." His wife says, "But I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"
Female vocalist asks her keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny Valentine' tonight... but can you think of a way to 'jazz' it up?" Keyboard player replies, "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor, then modulate to G#minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor in 3/4 time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!" She claims, "that might be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!" Keyboard player responds, "Well, that's how you did it last night!"	St. Peter's checking ID's. He asks a man, ``What did you do on Earth?'' The man says, ``I was a doctor.'' St. Peter says, ``Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?'' ``I was a school teacher.'' ``Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?'' ``I was a musician.'' ``Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen...''
Q: If you see a violin player and a conductor in the strret, which do you hit first and why? A: The conductor.... business before pleasure!	Q: How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section? A: have them miss every other note.
Q: What's the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr. Scholl's foot pads? A: Dr. Scholl's foot pads buck up the feet.	Q: What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor? A: There are some things a pig just won't do.
Q: How long does it take to tune a chang? A: Nobody knows.	Q: Why don't viola players suffer from piles (hemorrhoids)? A: Because all the assholes are in the first violin section.
The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophonist lover, ``Honey, I think you better pull out now.'' He replies, ``Why? Am I sharp?''	Mommy,'' said the little girl, "Can I get pregnant by anal intercourse?'' "Of course you can.'' her mother replied. ``How do you think conductors are made?''
Q: Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering? A: Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.	Q: What is the definition of a cluster chord? A: A viola section playing on the C string.
Q: Why do violists get antsy when they see the Kama Sutra? A: All those positions!	Q: Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording? A: Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.
Q: What do you call a person who makes viola jokes? A: person who can't play	Q: How do you know when a drum solo's really bad? A: The bass player notices.
Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string.''
Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw? A: The grip.	Q: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument? A: Yes.
Q: When is it time for a bass solo? A: When the drummer and pianist start talking about football.	A Jazz musician was told by his doctor, "I am very sorry to tell you that you have cancer and you have only one more year to live." The Jazz musician replied, "And what am I going to live on for an entire year?"


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