The BEST Musician Jokes in the World-PAGE 7

Q: Why don't violists play hide and seek? A: Because no one will look for them.	Q: Why do violists smile when they play? A: Because ignorance is bliss and what they don't know can't hurt them.
Q: Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a violin case? A: They think he's carrying a machine gun and might be about to use it.	Q: Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a viola case? A: They think he's carrying a viola and might be about to use it.
REASONS WHY GUITARS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN A guitar has a volume knob. If you break a guitar's G-string, it only costs 79cents for a new one. You can unplug a guitar. If your guitar doesn't make sounds you like, you can retune it. If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a lighter set. You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to your liking. You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want for free. You can take lessons on how to play a guitar without feeling embarrassed. > You can rent a guitar without worrying about who rented it before you. You can get rich playing a guitar, not broke. A guitar doesn't take half of everything you own when you sell it.
	Q: What instrument do violists envy most? A: The harp. You only ever have to play pizzicato on open strings.
	Q: How do you get a violin to sound like a viola? A: Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes
	Q: What's the difference between a chain saw and a viola? A: If you absolutely had to, you could use a chain saw in a string quartet.
	Q: Why shouldn't you drive off a cliff in a mini with three viola players in it? A: You could fit in at least one more.
	Q: Why is a viola called "bratsche" in Germany? A: Because that's the sound it makes when you sit down on it.
	Q: Why can't a violist play with a knife in his back? A: Because he can't lean back in his chair.
Q: What's another name for viola auditions? A: Scratch lottery.	Q: What is the difference between a violist and a prostitute? 1. A prostitute knows more than two positions. 2. Prostitutes have a better sense of rhythm.
Q: What is the similarity between a violist and a prostitute? A: Both are paid to fake climaxes.	Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City? A: Drive-by viola recitals.
Q: How does a violist's brain cell die? A: Alone.	Q: How many violists does it take to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies? A: Ten. One to stir the batter and nine to peel the M & M's.
Q: What's the similarity between the Beatles and the viola section of the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra? A: Neither has played together since 1970.	Q: What is the main requirement at the "International Viola Competition?" A: Hold the viola from memory.
Q: What do you call a bunch of violists in a hot tub? A: Vegetable soup.	Q: Why did the violist marry the accordion player? A: Upward mobility.
Q: How do you transcribe a violin piece for viola? A: Divide the metronome marking by 2.	Q: What is the difference between a roadie and a homeless person? A: A laminate (all access pass).
Q: A Buick with five entertainment lawyers in it went over a cliff. Everyone was killed. Do you know the saddest part? A: A Buick holds six.	Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords? A: A music critic.
Q: What do you call a man with no arms or legs, but can play guitar, bass, keyboards, drums, and sings? A: You call him "Stump, the band".	Q: What do you call a drummer without a band? A: A soundman.
Q: One music journalist to the other, "Have you heard the new **** album?". A: "No, I hated it".	Q: How do you stop the spread of aids? A: Let BMG distribute it.
Q: How many A&R agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: ........I'll get back to ya on that one.	Q: How many booking agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: ......listen, I'll call you back next week if I have an answer.
Q: How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune? A: Evidently all of them.	A trombone player and an accordion player are playing a New Year's eve gig at a local club.. The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music .. shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the duo and says, "You guys sound great .. everybody loves you .. I'd like to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year's eve to play ?? ... The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner .. and the trombone player says "Sure .. we'd love to .. Is it OK if we leave our stuff here ??"
Q: What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on ? A: He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
Q: Why bury guitar players 6 feet under? A: Because deep down they're all very nice people.
Q: What is the definition of a mezzo soprano? A: Just an alto with a soprano's attitude.	String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."
Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?" Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint: "Write your repertoire."	At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!" The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight." The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"
French horn: Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.	Cymbal: What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with.
Q: Why is a violist like a terrorist? A: They both screw up bowings (Boeings).	Clef: Something to jump from before the viola solo.

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