SURVEY OF ORCHESTRAL MUSICIANS
As a result of Mr. Hunt's recent article titled "Please Turn Down the Orchestra" a survey of orchestral players was undertaken. The object was to determine whether or not, in the opinion of the players, orchestras have become too loud. This question was asked: "Do you, as a professional orchestral musician think that orchestras have become too loud, and if so, how has this affected you personally?" Following, in score order, are some typical responses.

1. Flutist: "Yes, most decidedly. In fact the situation has deteriorated to the point that I am actually looking forward to being demoted to 3rd flute and piccolo where I will be able to make myself heard, at least on the picc.."
2. Oboist: "I think so. I have trouble keeping up as far as volume is concerned. I have finally resorted to two pieces of cedar shakes tied together to make a reed and the conductor still keeps asking for more."
3. Clarinetist: "Perhaps. The conductor has asked me to stand up on all solos so that the audience will notice me. I am also using one of those new titanium reeds. The tone is a bit metallic, but it does cut through the mass of string sound. I suppose the strings could play softer. I don't know; they have never been asked to."
4. Bassoonist: "I really don't know. I didn't show up for the last three concerts and nobody seemed to notice."
5. Hornist: "If he wants it louder, he should hire more horn players!"
6. Trumpet player: "I think we should play louder, faster, and put it up an octave."
7. Trombonist: "I really don't care. Just wake me up when we get to the last movement. By the way, where is the party after the concert?"
8. Tuba player: "I never thought about it. What I want to know is why I'm not allowed to wear my lederhosen at concerts. After all, I am principal of the section!"
9. Percussionist: "What?"
10. First violinist. "No, I don't think so. When the brass come in we don't have to worry about intonation in the fiddle section. I don't know what's going on in the seconds. There are times when I can't hear them at all."
11. Second violinist: "Perhaps Things have become a bit more complicated. I now use two bows, one for the soft spots and another for when the brass come in. I use soap on that one instead of rosin."
12. Violist: "Duh?"
13. Cellist: "Well I guess so. At least we have had to play louder since the bassoons stopped showing up."
14. Double bassist: "I don't know about the rest of the orchestra but all we can hear back here is that damn tuba. We all chipped in and bought that big guy a tuba with the bell aimed the other direction, but he won't use it. If we allowed him to wear his lederhosen would he play softer?"

Secrets of the Music Biz

• You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why instrumental parts are written in transposed pitch. (Especially trumpet parts in E.)
• People who feel the need to tell you that they have perfect pitch are telling you that their sense of relative pitch is defective.
• The most valuable function performed by a Wagnerian opera is its ability to drown out a rock concert.
• You should never say anything to a sideman that even remotely sounds like a compliment unless you are prepared to pay double scale.
• A string sample saved is worthless.
• Wynton Marsalis can hold all the Lincoln Center Jazz Concerts he wants. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms will still prefer Yanni.
• The most powerful force in the universe is Andrew Lloyd Webber.
• The one thing that unites all non-musicians, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, they all have below-average musical taste.
• There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your musical talent. That time is age 11.
• There is a very fine line between arranging and mental illness.
• People who want you to listen to their music almost never want to listen to yours.
• The badness of a musical composition is directly proportional to the number of violas in it.
• There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates music for television dramas. When TV composers need a new dramatic cue, they turn on this computer. After sorting through millions of possible musical themes, it spits out ONE LONG LOW SCARY NOTE ON A SYNTHESIZER and this becomes the cue. The next time they need a cue, the computer spits out, TWO LONG SCARY NOTES ON A SYNTHESIZER And so on, ad infinitum. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers - - along with TV producers and entertainment lawyers.
• No group singer is normal.
• At least once per year, Bill Conti will become very excited and announce that: (1) His producers loved the first theme he played for them; (2) They loved the second theme even more than the first; (3) He has never composed anything they didn't love.
• If you had to identify, in one word, the reason composers have not achieved, and never will achieve their full potential, that word would be copyists.
• The main accomplishment of Disney Studios was the film Fantasia in which they ripped-off Stravinsky's Rite of Spring by paying his agent $2500, of which Stravinsky received $500.
• The value of a composer's agent is to convince the producer that using a music-cue library would not be cheaper than hiring a composer.
• If there really is a Devil who is out to destroy the universe by means of vile conspiracies, and if God decides to deliver this message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger - - Oliver Stone. But John Williams will write the score.
• You should not confuse your lack of musical talent with your inferiority complex.
• A movie producer who is suddenly nice to you is not really a nice person. It means he is thinking about hiring another composer, probably John Williams.
• No matter what happens at a recording session (for example, the players shout "Bravo" and applaud) somebody will still find something wrong with your music, and the producer will begin to have doubts. Serious doubts.
• When musical problems in a film arise and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is the producer's brother-in-law. He is a (budding) composer.
• Your friends love you, even if you are tone-deaf.
• Nobody cares if you can't compose music well. Just go ahead and compose. You are sure to succeed... if you suck up to the right person.