The BEST Musician Jokes in the World-PAGE 9

A man and his wife get into an argument and stop speaking to each other. This goes on for several years. They see a marriage counselor but he has no luck in getting them to start speaking. They go to a minister who tells them that God wants them to make up, but nothing changes. Finally a famous psychiatrist hears about their case and says, "I can get them to talk". He brings them into a room and sits them down, but they still refuse to talk. He steps out and comes back a few minutes later with an upright bass player. "OK Larry, hit it" he says and the bass player begins to take a solo. The man and his wife immediately begin talking!(Submitted by JoeQ)
A guy walks into a shop. "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplification thingies and a Gibson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?" "You're a drummer, aren't you?" "Yeah. How'd you know?" "This is a travel agency."	"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant. "You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter." "Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years."
Q: How do you tell if a bass player is actually dead? A: Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).	Q: What's the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer? A: A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.
Q: What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw? A: The exhaust.	Q: If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a banjo off a 20-story building, which one lands first? A: Who cares?
Q: What's a bassoon good for? A: Kindling for an accordion fire.	-A Player's Guide for Keeping Conductors in Line- If there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it might include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. It seems as if many young players take pride in getting the conductor's goat. The following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits that will irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional methods depend upon the imagination and skill of the player.) Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs. When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure. Look the other way just before cues. Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must never have all their equipment. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor. Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds. Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to do this from birth). Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.) At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don't have the music. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique", so challenge it frequently. As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?" When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll never be able to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder. If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert. Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget. During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important. It is time that players reminded their conductors of the facts of life: just who do conductors think they are, anyway?
Q: What do you call ten accordions at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start.
Q: What's an accordion good for? A: Learning how to fold a map.
Q: What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion? A: The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
Q: What happens if you play blues music backwards? A: Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
I was playing in a night club, and getting few requests and small tips. Towards the end of the night, a man walked up with a wad of bills in his hand and asked me to play a jazz chord. I played an Amaj7. He said, "No, no. A jazz chord." I did a little improvisational thing, but he didn't like that either. "No, no, no! A jazz chord. You know, 'A jazz chord, to say, ah love you."
String quartet: A good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.
Crescendo: A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.
Preparatory beat: A threat made to singers, i.e., sing, or else....
Bar line: A gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.
Pianissimo: "Refill this beer bottle"
Clarinet: Name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo.
First inversion: Grandpa's battle group at Normandy.
Allegro: Leg fertilizer.
Transsectional: An alto who moves to the soprano section.
Metronome: A city dwelling dwarf.
Q: What does it mean when drool rolls out of both sides of the drummer's mouth? A: The stage is level.
My guitar was handed down to me by my father....At the time he was standing on a ladder by a music store.
Q: What do you find under a soprano's dress? A: A tenor.

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CALL RON - 561-635-5623 or 561-745-4946